Utah "Big Tymerz" Jazz

Think about it.

Once Mehmet "Money" Okur comes back the jazz startting 5 could be:

PG: Deron Williams (a-doy)

SG: AK-47, think with me now

SF: Paul Millsap

PF: Big Al Jefferson

C: Memo

What does this mean? Well, turns out the Jazz starting 5 are pretty much the biggest in the west, giving us our best chance to match-up against the Lakers in years.

D-Willy, power and speed, eats up lil point guards (although Eric Gordon was KILLING him last night). He should have Derek Fisher's number this year, old man.

AK guards the dangers: He'll get lots of practice with Brandon Roy and Durantula and Carmelo. He has essentially the hardest job, but is the best qualified to be our Kobe-Stopper.

Milly takes on the small forwards: The biggest danger in the west is Lamar Odom, for some reason he abuses us. Millsap needs to be able to guard him on the perimiter.

And Big Al gets Pau Gasol. At least in the post.

Memo ends up being guarded by Pau, opening up the paint for our awesome huge team.

Then guess what: UVSC for Deron (finish your dunks!!!).

Raja off the bench for AK (Hayward backs him up, rooks should get no time in Jerry's system, but Sloan is getting old and forgetful).

Milly doesn't have a back up at SF, double-you, tee, eff. This is troubling.

Jefferson gets a rest with Elson.

And then what happens. FESENKO!! The biggest dude in the league next to Shaq and Dwight. Kids is going to kill it soon enough. He is too big for anyone in the west, he eats Bynum's ice cream cone and doens't ask. He is a killer in boy's clothing. Just wait.

Anyway, just recognize this is the possibility at the moment.
The only real need is chemistry.

GET IT TOGETHER FELLAS!!
HAVE SOME FUN!!

On the Google Machine

On today’s google machine we’ve got DANGER and INTRIGUE and NAKED KITTIES

ESPN has broken the news that the World Cup predicting octopus is dead, cephalopod lovers and degenerate gamblers the world over, or at least France over are devastated.

With Leather claims that geeks all over 60 American Colleges will be pretending to play Quidditch at the Quidditch World Cup.  So really this post is directed at Ogre, NERDS!

Since I love the Steelers, love defense and think Christmas Ape is pretty great, head over to D.C. Steeler Nation and hear him defend James Harrison for a bit.

We all love the Charlie Sheen joke of the day, so we are so glad to hear he’s back with the blow and the hos, read all about it at WWTDD

Finally the guys over at Married to the Sea have a picture of your creepy uncle boning a tree, so I’m sure your mom is glad that got out.

And stay tuned later today for sport and a rousing debate about whether 35 minutes of monkey queefs is the ultimate hipster album.

The Hangover

The Hangover is where we bring you all the weekend action every Monday for you to stew over.  Of course we don’t talk about the NFL or much NASCAR, or, well it’s pretty much College Football actually.

In college football another #1 school went down, not a real #1 school, but the BCS #1 when Mizz beat Oklahoma this Saturday.  Since Oregon was #1 in all the polls I think this is just another example of how insanely shitty the BCS ranking system is.

In other news the fraud that is LSU was finally exposed and actually lost this time which launches Auburn past Oregon in the BCS rankings, but not the actual polls so that next week people on ESPN can all clamor about another #1 going down.  Thanks.

The NBA wrapped up their meaningless pre-season with another Miami injury, this time to “key piece” Brad Miller, so that’s going on.  And in more personally exciting news I did my fantasy draft.  Go Warren Al Jeffersons!

In F1 which I know only I care about Ferrari had a 1,3 finish to pull closer to both McLaren and Red Bull in the Team Standings while Alonso’s win puts him further in first place.  Now with two Asian Grand Pre events maybe Uji will start to care.

Finally, to finish things up with some more Euro motorsport news, Sebastion Loeb’s dirty French ass won the Rally of Spain in his stupid Citroen.  I have no real reason to hate Loeb or Citroen, but I hate them both and I can’t help but think most Americans do too.  Also with only Ford and Citroen competing this year WRC has gotten pretty pathetic.

New to the Family

Sorry there is no picture to go along with this post since I am writing it from someone else's computer at a bar while I get ready for my fantasy basketball draft.  But we are pleased to welcome Karli as our newest end of bencher.  She is coming on officially as the Junior Editor of DNP-CD, if any of my writers would ever write she would be editing their posts, as it is she is here to fix my spelling errors a d possible write something now and again.  Mostly girly stuff I guess, maybe something about tampons or unicorns.

Mountain West Conference Weekend

I’m pretty drunk right now and these girls are not doing it for me at all, I mean come on it’s Fort Worth, that’s pretty much Dallas

I know that MWC Weekend is a terrible name for a post, but I’ll have to think of something better later.  Frankly I’m not even sure how much longer we will be doing this as soon as Utah moves to the PAC-12 next season we will probably focus on that.  But for now get ready for a rant and this is not going to be the usual mid major rant either, because I don’t think that’s what the problem is.

In the AP pole this week as many of you may know Utah lost a place and dropped form 10 to 11, they stayed at 10 in the other two poles, so it’s mostly just the idiot AP writers.  But still, this is ridiculous, and I don’t think it’s just because they are a MWC team.  I know that’s what everyone on ESPN says, they give them some bullshit lip service along with TCU and Boise and then dismiss them anyway.  It’s always the same, they shouldn’t be punished but they should be passed up.

I’m sorry is not playing grounds for moving up 3 spots but crushing a Big 12 team by 40 points gets you knocked down a notch.  I guess that’s not nearly as impressive as beating a third rate Big 10 team by 3 scores which gets you the number 1 spot.  And here is where I think it’s not just because Utah is in the MWC, because it’s so obvious that Oregon should be #1 and not Ohio St., oh I’m sorry The Ohio State.

Everyone knows that Utah is going to the PAC-12 next year, but look how current PAC-10 schools get treated.  For one thing they play a much better schedule, the PAC-10 is probably the best conference 1-10 in the country this year.  Way better than the Big 10.  and even probably better than the vaunted SEC.  So Ohio St. beats Illinois and gets to be #1 and LSU, who should have lost 3 games beats a middle of the road Florida team and goes ahead of Utah?  It’s the entire west coast, Oregon is getting screwed just as much as Utah.  If you’re not USC, no one cares about the PAC-10, it’s just lip service that they are even a BCS conference.

I’m not even sure how to define the bias in voting, it’s not really an east coast bias, because the Big East and ACC are crap and while they always start high up in the polls even that fiction cannot be maintained for an entire season.  It’s the Big 10 that is grossly over rated, the Big 12 has its upper teams that are probably deserving and pull up the lower schools and of course the SEC always gets the benefit of the doubt, but I think they’ve earned that over the past 30 years.

I wish I could come in here with a solution, but there isn’t one.  Schools are rated on their history, plain and simple.  College football is conservative in the truest sense of the word and I don’t know if the young Turks will ever break through, if new money will ever be old money.  A playoff would improve things, but as long as there are polls nothing will fix it, there will always be teams getting over and under rated and that’s probably why I like the NFL.

On The Google Machine

If these were filled with 4 Loko it would resemble the fridge at our podcast

Welcome to another addition of On the Google Machine our now daily link dump brought to you here at DNP-CD every morning by me and that’s about it because we have no real sponsors.

With Hockey season back we are going to be adding a new blog to the daily read Don We Now Our Gay Apparel a blog dedicated to everyone’s favorite Craig Sager of the Great White North, Don Cherry and his amazingly Canadian wardrobe.

A quick link to our good buddies With Leather as they once again complain about how stupid the BCS is and especially perennial choke artists Ohio St The.

Since we professed out love of Jugallos and Film Drunk many times, why not combined the two and link to FilmDrunk talking about ICP?  Actually there are lots of reasons but here’s the link anyway.

Since everyone at my made up office calls Monday, Mongay check out That's So Gay and their picture gallery of stuff that’s just so gay, I think this specific link is to RDJ as we call him wearing some really tall shoes and doing that “Oh no you he didn’t” face.

And finally, as is necessary every Monday the irreplaceable Big Daddy Drew at KSK breaking down Peter King and with all the Cocktoberfest Brett Favre news lately it’s better than ever.

Weekend Round Up

Baseball playoffs are now in full swing, the Yankees and Phillies swept their series this weekend giving them some time off to fix their rotations, although one needs much more fixing than the other.  Tampa has come back against Texas and has tied it up and the Giants still lead 2-1 over the Braves.

I’ll briefly touch college football because I’m going into it much more later, but here are some scores to mention:

Ohio St. 38 - Indiana 10

TCU 45 – Wyoming 0

South Carolina 35 – Alabama 21

Oregon St. 29 – Arizona 27

Utah 68 – Iowa St. 27

Hockey is back, which I know no one but me cares about, but suck it I’m in charge around here.  The best part is, there have been super star fights with Kovalchuck, Green, Datsyuk, Perry, Malkin and Nash already being in fights this season.

And finally Team Red Bull crushed at the Japanese GP with a Webber, Vettel 1-2 finish and a third place by Alonso to give Red Bull a 45 point lead over McLaren and a 92 point lead over Ferrari in the Manufacture’s Championship.  And helped Webber extend his lead over Alonso to 14 points in the Driver’s Standings.

On The Google Machine

We all know this is the future of google, a really awesome version of skynet

So today on the Google machine let’s slip and slide down the tubes of the interwebs, cause it’s tubes and webs, and find out what the kids are looking at.

Deadspin has some info about Brett Favre sending dick picks from his cell phone, and since Uj loves Brett Favre Dick Picks (let’s see the SEO on that one) here you go.  I think his excuse was he was trying to send them to someone else but they got intercepted BOOSH!

Also in sports Ball Don't Lie the best basketball out there, even with Kelly Dwyer running it has Carlos Boozer getting beat at horse by some kid.  They make a lot of excuses, but we hate Booz so screw him.

Basketball John over at SLC Dunk has done a series of Utah sports radio personalities death match things.  Something I should have done since this site is supposed to be sort of local and about media, but oh well.   Read SLC Dunk, it’s good, it’s about the Jazz, it will eventually be part of my local blog segment when I get around to it.

Here’s something from FilmDrunk don’t really care what the article is about, but I love FilmDrunk, there is an awesome video at the end with a fat chick talking about beating people to death and they introduced me to 4 Loko, so what more can I say.

And a little link to a new blog I’ve just learned about from Punte over at KSK and With Leather, Twinkies and Gin.  It’s about stuff I guess, I like it.

And since you’ve had to do a lot of reading, here’s a present, the chick that Brett was sexting with her hot friends.  They seem to be at one of those parties where all the girls are in swim suits and all the guys are in jeans and tribal tattoos.  I think Michael Bay invented those parties.

Weekend Roundup–Soon to be Something with a Better Name

Here’s the really late Weekend roundup, I was going to hold off until next week for anything new but taking a whole week off seems sorta effed up so here’s some shit.

BYU got crushed again because they totally suck.  For the first time ever (not verified in any way) there are 3 teams from non BCS conferences in the top 10.  I will write a real article about this.  Here’s a picture of the top 25.

And finally although not sports related, but it is awesome beyond awesome, here is a picture of Danzig buying some cat supplies that I found over at Will Leitch's Site

 

I think it’s from http://seriouslyhowgoodarethemisfits.tumblr.com/ which is an awesome site if you love Misfits pics.

I think the US lost some golf thing to some smelly Euros if you are interested in that.

Podcast #10 Two Girls One Podcast

Hey everyone a new podcast, big number 10 like anyone expected that to happen.  We have an unusual line up with Uj and Chess out of town on some kind of sex cruise or something.  We bring in Morgan for a full episode and Little Ron, Andy's lovely younger sister Ellie.  I forgot to make show notes so I'm not really sure what we talked about, but I'm sure it was good stuff.  I know we went about 20 minutes about STDs, which Lil Ron calls STIs now, for our new segment, ask Nurse Ellie about dirty sex stuff.  So have fun, and write us at our new email address benchcast@gmail.com

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Play Carefully, We Are All New

As you may have seen over the weekend we have a new site look, new banner, new logo and the podcast has picked up a new logo.  And since new things are fun we are adding a couple of other new changes as well.

We’ve added a couple new writers whom with any luck will start writing things pretty soon, unlike the last couple writers that we added.

We have out new e-mail: Benchcast@gmail.com please feel free to send in anything you want, ideas for articles, Bench Cast topics, complaints, money, naked pictures of your girlfriend from college, questions for our new segment Ask Ellie about your weird sex problem.

We will be adding a couple new feature articles as well, Weekend wrap-up will be every Monday about what happened over the weekend except for the NFL, Oblong Balls will be on Tuesday about the NFL.  We will be doing On The Google Machine every morning about what is going on around the web and Audacity our podcast roundup will now happen twice a week.

As usual we will continue to ask you to leave comments on the blog because comments are awesome and send in your e-mails.

Thanks for reading everyone and a new Bench Cast will be up a little later this afternoon.

New Logo for the Podcast

Here is our new logo for the podcast, I am working on a new one for the website as well as a new banner.  We are doing a new podcast tomorrow night and then starting next week we will be introducing some new columns and regular features.  Plus I’ll start update regularly again.  How about them apples.

Bench Cast #9 Indie Rock Playlist

Hey everyone guess who’s back behind the mike with all the sports news you can handle.  We’ve shifted the lineup on this one, Fran is out for the first time, but to keep the surprise streak alive of having hot girls on our show we’ve promoted Morgan to on air talent.  And not that you care but Ron and Uji are still there.

We have a little chit chat about Steve Wiebe back on the top of the Donkey Kong world, Braylon Edwards magic cab ride, Matt Barnes getting his ass beat by his girlfriend, a round up of the Mountain West, our horrible NFL predictions and some talk about our favorite sports tv shows coming back.

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Also if your not doing anything else head over to iTunes and give up a review.  Also you can leave comments on the site or send us an email at our new e-mail address benchcast@gmail.com send us comments, leave us topic ideas or if you want we’ll put you on the show, because screw it why not.

Weekend Roundup

Just cause Burton Cummings rounded up many a weekend I’m sure

So here we are with the weekend roundup coming to you on Wednesday afternoon because my weekends don’t end until Wednesday!  Or because I had tons of work to do on Monday and Tuesday and numerous apology letters to send out, cause that’s how I roll bitches.

The U (Utah not stupid Miami) Crushed another crappy MW team this weekend with out even needing their starting QB, I think it was 412-3 but you might want to check that score.

In other Mountain West news, BYU spent another Saturday getting crushed by a mediocre Florida State team much as they did last year, I think BYU is heading to a 5 loss season, so good for them, it’s not like they needed a great record this year because they are going independent or anything.

In the NFL my Steelers, whom my friends all said on the podcast would be 1-3 at the end of the first 4 weeks used their awesome D to beat the Titans in a strange 11-19 final score game and cause 7 turn overs and the annual Vince Young benching.  Anyone know where that Heisman is?

In other Heisman not winners news Reggie Bush broke his leg in a narrow win over San Fran, 22-25.  A game where I thought Alex Smith finally looked pretty good and if San Fran hadn’t dropped 20 balls in the red zone, should have won by 2 touchdowns.

In the Oreo Dunk Off Final, older brother P. Manning put little Elisha in his place crushing the Giants 38-14, making my declaration after the first week that even though the Giants won they still suck look much better.

And finally the winner of the Crap Bowl, Oakland beats St. Louis 16-14, just in case some one cared.

AMERICA....F#CK YEAH!!!!

Sorry for the obscene title, but for some odd reason(thank you Trey Parker and Matt Stone and all the wonderful people behind Team America: World Police), whenever I watch international play, whether it be Basketball, Soccer, Baseball, Synchronized Swimming, etc. That song/phrase comes into my head, great song by the way!(if you haven't heard it check it-http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IhnUgAaea4M).
Anyway, on to the topic at hand, Team USA whooping the world's ass in basketball just like the good old days! Although instead of Jordan, Malone, Stockton, and Pippen, the FIBA Championship team of today consists of Durant, Curry, Gordon, Gay, and Westbrook. Team USA is young, athletic, long, quick, and instead of them relying entirely on their offense like the "Dream Team" in Barcelona, this new young team actually plays hard nosed defense, and that's something that any basketball purist will respect and enjoy! No disrespect intended to Team USA back in the day, they did have great defenders on their team, but they also knew that the competition back then wasn't as competitive as it is now days, so they could let teams like Turkey and Greece shoot wide open three pointers without even a worry, oh and their offense was just straight up ridiculous!

While watching this FIBA tournament the last couple weeks, it has brought up a new topic of discussion around the NBA and the basketball world. Who is the best player in the world??? Easy answer right, either Kobe or Lebron....NOPE...there is a new name climbing to the top of the debate....Kevin Durant! Simply unbelievable! The dude/kid was only 4 years old when the Dream Team was punishing teams in Spain. He probably doesn't even remember it, crazy young! Can you imagine if he stays healthy and transforms his lil boy body into that of a man??? He would be unstoppable! The great thing is, everybody that is in the states and follows the NBA knew of this great talent, but now that cats out of the bag, and the world has caught on! I can just imagine what the other international basketball coaches are planning for the Summer Olympics in London..."triple team Kobe, double team Durant, oh shit...we only have 5 guys on the floor! why isn't anyone guarding Deron Williams, Why is Lebron wide open!???"...Its gonna be awesome! So in conclusion I have a few unanswered questions, Who is gonna be on the roster come London time? Has Kevin Durant surpassed Kobe as the best in the world??? I guess we will have to wait to see the answers revealed for those two questions, but there is one thing I am for sure certain on....Team USA is back to the powerhouse it once was, and everyone knows this world wide! So I will end this post with the same three words I started with-AMERICA...FUCK YEAH!!!

Jets ban Cheeseburgers but Love to get Tacos

In mexico locker rooms are much more women friendly

This whole Ines Sainz thing seems to me like the ultimate in Sound and Fury signifying nothing  (I’ll have the port with my literary reference, ahum, queef).  When I first heard of Miss Sainz it was a couple years ago as she pranced around on the sidelines wearing a pair of jeans that must have been painted on that onion of hers as she flirted with T.O. on the sidelines.  I thought Uj was going to tear up through the tv the scent of onion was so strong.

Like I said on the podcast, she works for a Mexican TV station doing sports reporting.  I live in Salt Lake, this place is like 30% Hispanic, we have about 5 Spanish speaking TV stations.  I am aware of the culture, it is not as PC, feminist whatever as America by about 400%.  I can’t imagine that the way the Jets treated her would even come close to the way she would get treated in the locker room of a major Mexican or South American soccer team.  She has to be used to more open male sexual aggression just based on the culture.

Not to mention that she openly flaunts her looks and sexuality, as is common on many Mexican television programs.  I have to assume that since guys watch sports they figure what else do guys want to watch, hot chicks, bam give it to them.  It’s the genius of Mexican TV, actually giving people what they want.  As you can clearly see from this informative photo spread her idea of work place dress and the typical American sports casters may be a little different.  Obligatory Ines Sainz pic gallery ahead.

My computer wouldn’t make her ass pic go small

Okay I think that makes the point, I could literally do this all day

So now that the exploitative viewer grab is over, back to my point.  I think this is simply the over reaction of the American media in their ongoing quest to be as PC as possible.  First off Ines herself didn’t complain and has come out and said nothing happened.  The complaint was filed by some stick up his ass reporter that didn’t like what he saw as inappropriate behavior from the Jets.

I know that it has been a long road into serious sports journalism for women in the US, but those days are gone.  I think the serious women journalist are at the point where they are just like the men, but are always looking in their rearview and are scared to death of people like Ines Sainz coming in with this new kind of sexual faux sideline thing and discrediting them.  Don’t worry, we all know the difference between this and a real sports reporter doing her job, they are two different things.  Craig Sager is not Michael Wilbon is not WoJo, we know.

I wish I had something to wrap this up with other than don’t get your panties in a knot you whiney PC pussies and let other cultures do their hot Mexican reporter thing, but I really don’t.  It’s a non story that one side has glommed onto to make their once a year athletes need to be sensitive, feminist work place rant and the other side to show hot pictures of chick with one of the great south of the boarder asses of all time.  So, ignore it or enjoy the show, but one more time for google, HOT INES SAINZ PCITURES!!!

Life Lessons with Prof. Carroll

Here’s pete teaching a life lesson, oh wait, he’s shilling a book for money, my mistake

As all of you know now Reggie Bush has given up the good fight and has returned his Heisman trophy before a bunch of old rich guys in New York could demand that he give it back.  He has insisted for years now that he never violated any rules and that his family magically got an half million dollar house in SoCal and it didn’t come from a booster or one of the dozens of other methods that USC uses to pay its players.

Smelling the stinky winds of change blowing in from the NCAA offices Pete Carroll got the hell out of Dodge last year and took the NFL job up in Seattle as quickly as he could.  Knowing that the northwest is totally chill like SoCal, just a little rainier he heading 700 miles north to bring his rah rah attitude to those rain logged hipsters up on the north coast.

Since Reggie wasn’t smart enough to mail his trophy to his cousin in Grand Cayman and and then just claim he was on vacation for all of 2005 and he didn’t know anything about no stinking Heisman he had to get as ahead of a 5 year old story as you can and give it back ASAP.  Since Carroll was intimately involved, he was of course asked all about it.

Among the many stupid meaningless things Carroll said about the situation was that “It would be a learning opportunity for Bush.”  Since Bush is no longer “an amateur” no longer has to deal with the hypocritical NCAA and probably isn’t up for any more Heismans I was wondering exactly what learning he was going to do from this, so I’ve put together some ideas.

1. Get the hell out of town before any sanctions hit and never look back letting your successor and recruits deal with your mess.
2. Taking money for playing college football is way worse than any performance enhancing drugs or on field cheating.
3. It’s also more immoral than fraud and murder and has worse consequences from the NCAA.
4. Don’t be too blatant with the money you take from boosters, stick with cars and girls not houses.
5. None of this will affect your pro-career at all, so fuck it.

Good thing Prof. Carroll could go out of his way to present us with these life lessons.  Between the sanctimonious bullshit about student athletes you get from coaches and school presidents to the over burdened and rule centric NCAA it’s almost unbearable to even watch college football these days.  If I didn’t have a certain affinity for my Utah Utes from years of being within a couple miles of the school and going there for like 6 years I’d be done with it today.  Boy it’s a long step down from my soap box, maybe an NCAA employee can help me down, they are used to doing that.

Bananas and Blow - Bench Cast #8

In this episode we talk about the NFL re-cap for week one, discuss Megatron’s non game winning catch against the Bears and if the rule was correct. Randy Moss’s comments on his contract if the timing was right and if the media is the right place for contract discusions. Va Tech loosing and how it affects Boise St. and their ability to get to the national championship game. Ines Sainz bringing her hot ass to New Jersey, flaunting it around the Jets’ locker room and how reporters should act, unfortunately there is no HOT INES SAINZ NAKED TOPLESS LESBIAN PICTURES in the podcast. Finally, the Heisman getting a little less Bush and the WAC suing the Mountain West to round it off.

Here is the embedded player as usual, but you can also subscribe on iTunes and leave a review, all the reviews help, and also if you want to subscribe with RSS go over to our podbean page and subscribe there.

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The NFL AFC Preview and Breakdown

For all of you out there that wanted to know who the mysterious morgan was that talks in the background and gets us drinks.  she’s also andy’s girlfriend so she has that going

Hey everyone, we’re back again with another podcast that we recorded days ago and due to my binge drinking hasn’t gotten up until today.  This is Bench Cast #7 with out already outdated NFL AFC preview.  We go over all the AFC teams and division, and after the first weekend we only look sorta stupid.  Everyone was way off on KC that’s for damn sure.

So if you want us to ramble on as incoherently about the AFC as we did about the NFC and you have no better place to go for your NFL advice, here you are.  Plus this time there is some eye candy to go with it.  Please remember to subscribe on iTunes and leave us a review it really helps.

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Also I think we are the number 1 independent sports podcast in Utah, mostly because I can’t be bothered to find any other ones.

Bench Cast #6 NFC Preview

Nick’s not actually on the podcast, but those 4 lokos were

Hey end of the benchers, the Bench Cast is back and this time we are taking on the NFL.  This is our NFC preview that we’ve been promising for days now.  I don’t know when the AFC will be up, I think we are going to try to do it Saturday.  So if you want a bunch of people yapping about the NFC with little to no actual knowledge about the subject, check it out.

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Or head over to http://dnpcd.podbean.com/2010/09/03/nfc-preview-bonanza/ and download it there.

And as always you can find us on iTunes, where it would be really great if you could leave a review, even if you hate it, it still helps for some reason.

And finally follow me on twitter at http://twitter.com/AceMahogany it’s like listening to my stupid remarks in 140 character text format, sounds pretty great huh?

Also since our #1 search term is still Linas Kleiza Girlfriend, there it is my attempt at SEO.  How about Linas Kleiza’s Girlfriend lesbian make out session Megan Fox, come on Europeans, I love you guys.

As the Leaves Change We Move From Vh1 to the NFL

You want to go out?  Yeah, how about back to back on Vh1

Something amazing has happened this summer to the NFL and specifically the Cincinnati Bangles.  While for many years NFL athletes have been involved in the world of television and movies.  From Jim Brown on NFL players have left the game to try find their way in Hollywood and since HBO started Hard Knocks NFL athletes have found themselves in the middle of the realty TV world, although essentially just doing what it is they do anyway, namely training camp for the season.

But now something new has happened, no longer do players have to retire to move to Hollywood and no longer are they only involved in realty TV as a training camp documentary star.  This season on VH1, Viacom’s reality TV network that’s not called MTV has tapped into the NFL athlete as a realty TV vehicle.  Much as the Cinci Bengals brought 85 and T.O. together on the field as complementary catching options, VH1 has gotten Chad Ochocinco and T.O. together as back to back reality stars.  One night a week is essentially Bengals night on VH1.

T.O.’s show is kind of the thing that you would expect from an athlete reality show, if you could even expect that kind of thing to exist.  He has a girlfriend that he seems to be rather indifferent to, he rides around in really expensive cars and goes to exclusive clubs in places that people like that go to those kind of clubs in.  We watch him wander around his apartment with no shirt on getting breakfast, pretty much my life if I had $40 million more dollars and a TV crew following me around.

With Chad Eightyfive on the other hand they have gone to a VH1 staple that had until now been reserved for washed up rock stars, insane rappers and professional cum dumpsters named after cities.  The dating show!  There is an interesting twist to this one though, essentially Chad is shown as some kind of sexual prize, twisting the idea of the ultimate catch, a term usually reserved for women. He is shown in all the promos in some state of undress and seems to parade around in a strange middle ground as both a trophy to be won and a rich athlete that will provide the chosen girl with both a slight amount of fame and of course a great deal of money.

The contestants are the usual assortment of early 20s dating show skanks that America has fallen in love with, from the skinny blond with fake boobs to the skinny dark haired chick with fake boobs to the maybe latina chick with the fake boobs and of course the red head.  They of course have jobs that make tricking Ochocinco into impregnating them a wise career move as I don’t think Cocktail waitress/model, student/unemployed, student/model, cocktail waitress/student, model/hostess pays well or has what we call “growth potential.”  And I’m really positive but I think when you take hostess or model and divide it by student or cocktail waitress the answer is always stripper x part time prostitute, I mean it’s just math.

Now I know that many of you are thinking, wow how does Chad have the skill set to play pro football and decide which chick to bang for 3 months after this show ends?  And your right, it’s just asking too much, luckily his buddy Bernard Barrian from the Bears is here to help him decide.  Bernard, or B-Twice as he has assuredly nicknamed himself, is described as extremely family and God oriented and his intelligence supersedes his talents on the field, making him a perfect skank picker for Chad to go to for sage advice.

As much as I would like to see nothing but Guidos going to various beaches on my TV I have to say that this new sports/reality TV synergy if nothing else will provide me with plenty to write about over the next couple of years at least.  And all I can say to Cinci fans is, at least if this wide receiver situation flames out you can always fire up the youtube.com and relive the days when your top two receivers had VH1 reality shows, oh and I hope Ochocinco catches as many balls as the girls vying for his love certainly have.

On The Google Machine?

I have no idea why this come up when I search for on the google machine, but far be it for me not to post a picture of really fat babies at McDonald's

 

So, great news everyone, On The Google Machine is back with a daily round up worthy of every cent that you pay to read, so essentially as crappy and worthless as ever.

SB Nation has some great pictures of Roger Clemens dressed like a Bro heading to church for that one time this summer his mom made him go to meet that really nice Everly girl.

FilmDrunk This really isn’t a very interesting story but I love Vince’s sense of humor and nothing is a better example of that then John Cusack playing Edgar Allen Poe: Rape Detective.

 Warming Glow Read this to hear Matt bitch about the Emmys, mostly because I don’t really want to and have pretty much the same opinion.

Ball Don't Lie Says that Tracy McGrady is washed up, Tracy not so sure, the rest of us, totally sure.

Suicide Blonde Has a picture of Audrey Hepdurn on a bike from about 50 years ago, why am I linking you ask? Because it’s so effing cute, that’s why.

Hipster Runoff Does a report on the Bro Hat, Hipster Runoff is utterly incomprehensible in every way and they do a list that runs from A to V and that’s why they are the greatest.

Evil Pushy Agents Try to get Melo What he wants

It’s like comics writers are some strange people stuck in 1964

Adrian Woknarowski, who I think is one of the best NBA reporters today wrote a column over at Yahoo! Sports last week about Carmelo’s desire to be traded from the Nuggets during his current contract year.  There has been lots of talk about this and it’s obviously not new news.  Frankly as a Jazz fan I would love to see him go, preferably someplace far away on the east coast where we wouldn’t have to see him very often, either that or let the Jazz pick him up.

It’s not that I don’t like Melo, I actually do like him unlike many Jazz fans, he’s clearly one of the premier scorers in the NBA and I think would be great with D-Will.  It’s the Nuggets that I hate.  For years they were the also-rans of the whichever division the Jazz were in.  They were bottom of the barrel, almost every year, which made them that team, at least when they had the Skyline Jersey, the crappy team with the awesome Jersey that you could sport without caring they were a “rival”.  Golden State has for years been that team on the west coast.  But since moving to the baby blue and picking up Melo and forming this latest team, they have moved to contenders for the Northwest Division almost every year.  They are like your little brother that has finally gotten big enough that he can hit back and pull girls almost as hot as you can. Of course they fizzle every year and loose to the Jazz in the playoffs and obviously loosing Melo and whomever else they will have to dump will put them back into the rebuilding phase, which I can’t wait for.

But enough of my little schadenfreude variety hour.  What I wanted to address here was the very negative light that the Polish Penman (hoping that nickname will stick for Woj, little play on Jaws and the Polish Rifle, my favorite ethnic nickname ever) displayed Melo’s agents in.  There is obviously a distaste for agents among fans and media members that try to approach from a fan perspective.  A distaste that I cannot understand.

The structure of the NBA and all professional sports in the US that have been unionized and work off a CBA absolutely need an agent.  It is the agent that fights both the owner and, although it is never talked about, the union to get an individual player the most value for their work.  I think it’s hard for your average fan to relate to a guy that wants $17 million instead of $15 million, they are both huge amounts of money, but it does matter.  The other issue is the one at hand here, deciding where you get to work.  I think this one irks fans even more, mostly because they feel a loyalty to players and don’t like them to leave, like it’s a personal affront.

But just think about your job for a minute, how many of you are locked into a long term contract with your employer that can not be terminated from your side?  How many of you even have to give more than 2 weeks notice before you can move on to something better?  Let’s say you work at a bank, Chase for example, you can’t leave for 6 years, and at any moment they can send you off to work for Wells Fargo across the country.  It’s a very unusual work circumstance that most of us can’t even relate to.

So when you are sick of being a waiter at the Olive Garden, you throw down a plate of All You Can Eat Pasta Spectacular, tell your boss to go fuck himself, make a semi racist comment about those stupid commercials with the 3 white couples and the one white couple that happens to have skin that looks kinda black and storm out to get a job at Fluffinuggers Pizza and Beer next week.  Well Melo has to do the same thing, but using a bunch of agents and their PR people and the news paper and get traded to another place.  He is a resource with market value, it’s just that he can’t make use of that value because he is locked into a contract.

I have said for years that the CBA and the unions in sports need to be blown up.  I don’t think that sports leagues are monopolies, and by the actual definition of monopolies they are not.  But until the talent is free to choose their contracts as they see fit, this is the only way to go about things.  The only thing a players owes a team is to maximize their playing performance while they are under contract, not to extend that contract, not to be satisfied with that contract and not to stay in a place for the duration of that contract.

Bench Cast #5 Good Bye Sweet Lou

We’ve gotten a new Bench Cast out today, it’s not the NFC preview that you’ve been expecting, that’s been pushed back to Saturday, but it’s good stuff none the less.  We cover Sweet Lou retiring, NFL going to 18 games in 2012, Jim Furyk not waking up, Elin leaving Tiger and Jenn Brown and Icehouse.

 

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Ride Pine end of the benchers!

Haslem + Weed = Who Cares

The only Miami Weed pic without a topless chick               

So as everyone know, if only because we talked about it on The Bench Cast #4 that on the 16th Udonis Haslem was arrested in Miami for having weed in the car.  I don’t talk much about my politics if you want to call them that on this site, but without getting into anything else I don’t think that drug laws are either just or affective.  I also don’t think that the NBA should worry about weed, but that’s another subject.

There were a couple things about this that I wanted to touch on.  First, they got pulled over doing 78 in 60, which is fine, that’s way over the limit you should expect to get pulled over.  But the article by Tim Reynolds said that the cops searched the car twice for contraband, why?  Why would going really fast have anything to do with weed?  Maybe if they were doing 27 in a 60 and stopping at every taco stand on the street.  The second thing is why search twice, it drives me crazy that these police to pad their stats or just because they have some stick up their ass about drugs go to such extremes to find the stuff.

The second issue is this, what the hell are athletes thinking?  They are rich enough to have a crew, all of them except maybe Steve Nash roll with 4 or 5 dudes everywhere.  Guess what, buy another S-Class to drive in front of you carrying all the guns and drugs, like the president does.  If you get pulled over, those guys take the fall, you pay them off big time, mob style, take care of the families and what not and you get off.  That’s what a crew is for, to protect you.  Same thing with the DUIs, get your boys to drive, they are reaching in your dolla bill garbage bag at the scrip club, they can roll the car, throw a bitch their way, come on.

Also, as my favorite comic Daniel Tosh says, grow the fuck up and do coke like an adult.

Independence and Economics at BYU

Don’t ever Search for cougar and money on Google                           

I think that at this point the discussion of BYU leaving the MWC is nothing but a matter of economics spurned on by their closest rival Utah bolting to the PAC-10.  It has been reported that the PAC-10 will be paying Utah around $15 million a year after they become full members of the conference.  BYU received $1.3 million per year from their current deal with MWC conference due to their incredibly lucrative tv deal on The Mountain.

If any of you have not seen The Mountain it is about one step above public access and probably not any better than BYU’s own station BYU TV, which is integral to this project even being possible for the Cougars.  I don’t think without the fact that not only does BYU run it’s own station, but also has a fully equipped HD broadcast studio on campus that this would be even possible.

To me the process would work much like the Big 10 or Big 12 network deals.  BYU gets cable companies to carry their station, which can be broadcast in HD to as many areas that have a high number of Mormon or if they exist non-Mormon Cougar fans.  This would carry the bulk of their sports programming and bring in ad revenue along with whatever they could get the cable companies to pay them, probably 10 cents per subscriber at the top end, if anything.  This would of course force BYU TV to change their listing with the FCC from a religious non revenue earning station to a commercial station.

The second move would be to work their own deal with ESPN and other national carriers on showing specific match ups in Football and Basketball and receiving revenue from that.  With the on site capabilities it may prove more likely that national stations would want to broadcast from BYU, saving the cost of brining their own equipment and uplink systems.

There is little doubt that BYU could not get over $2 million in contracts through these methods.  The real problem then is does this allow the football program to grow?  Can they get the matchups they need to be ranked high enough to have a chance at a BCS or even national championship?  Since it’s obvious that they won’t get special considerations like Notre Dame.  Also, is there a way for them to squeeze the MWC for a bigger cut of the revenue form other sports and just leave in football, or make independent TV deals, throw their weight around like Texas, since they are the big player in the MWC now.

I love nothing more than conferences being shaken up and the BCS being affected, I am hoping things get worse before they get better in college football.

Bench Cast Episode 4

So here we are with episode 4 of the Bench Cast, we have a large cast today with Uji, Ron, Fran and myself.  We talk about the Haslem weed bust, the new Jazz uniforms, BYU going independent, the joy around the blogfrica about Mariotti going to jail and a little on Favre.  http://dnpcd.podbean.com/

Remember to subscribe from there or from iTunes where you can leave us a review, which is super helpful, just click the link or search for bench cast.  Also, follow me on twitter, it’s a complete waste of your time and will probably get you fired, but why not, http://twitter.com/AceMahogany

We should be back with another podcast on Wednesday, so it will actually be up on Thursday is my guess, it will be the NFC preview and then Saturday we will do an AFC preview to get you all geared up for the season.  Until then stay tuned for our regular posts on the site.

Bench Cast #3

It’s a new Bench Cast from this Thursday, it’s not the greatest, but might be worth checking out for 30 minutes while you’re walking the dog or something.  It’s another solo one with Francesca, we try to talk about sports, get into her website and drink way too many gin and tonics.  Head over to Podbean to get it if you don’t subscribe or now you can subscribe on iTunes so you never miss a new podcast.  Please remember to leave a review on iTunes, it really helps.  We will have a new podcast with everyone up tomorrow morning and then our NFL previews will be this Wednesday and Saturday so stay tuned.

Brett in debt to Viking nation!

Well, that's how he put it..."I owe it to the organization to give it one more try." I wouldn't say he owes it to the organization, until I realized how many hearts were ripped straight from the chest of all those associated with the Minnesota Vikings. For those of you who don't recall what happened last year in the NFC Championship game, Favre threw an interception in the last minute of the game on the last drive which ultimately could have been the last pass ever to be thrown by one of the best at that position! In a statement after the game, he said it felt like that last drive was "destiny" and that he was responsible for not getting the purple into the Super Bowl for the first time since 1976. So yeah, maybe the great #4 might owe them another shot at it!
Personally, I have come to the realization that no matter how old this guy gets he doesn't age on the football field. The "Silver Fox" still can compete with the other top athletes in the league that are half his age, at 40 years old last year(Favre will be turning 41 in October this year) he put up one of the best years in his career! He set career bests in completion percentage (68.4), quarterback rating (107.2) and fewest interceptions, while throwing for 4,202 yards, that's crazy good! The gray haired rocket arm also was the first 40 year old to win a playoff game while throwing four touchdowns. Favre says this will be his last and final season, no matter the outcome, and for the most part, I don't blame him. The average NFL career last somewhere between 2 to 4 years, Brett has been in the league since he was drafted in 1991 by the Atlanta Falcons. His career is anything and everything other than average. The amount of beatings Favre has taken over nearly two decades in the NFL will never be able to be measured, but one can assume that long after his career is over, he will still feel the pain and agony that he has established over the years. With that being said, he still has one more "Hail Mary" left in a shot at a super bowl ring, and to Brett, the reward outweighs the risk by far. He has been boasting about the chemistry of the team, and how much he has connected with all the young players in the locker room, there is something special about this team, and Brett will be the first to let you know. If you find it hard to believe that this 40 almost 41 year "old man" gets along with once his long time rival, and kids/teammates that are almost have his age, watch this...

Dustin Johnson finds a bunker in the Parking lot

Since this is the hot news of the day I better write about it so that I can get some of that SEO that everyone is telling me about and maybe get some readers that aren’t Eastern Euros looking for pictures of Linus’s girlfriend.

It seems that at the PGA championship everything that isn’t made of grass is considered a bunker.  This seems to include things that aren’t even on the golf course, the snack stand, the parking lot, some guys backyard across the street.  I kept thinking of the Lee Carvallo’s Putting Challenge when Bart blasts it into the parking lot and has to put back off of a car.

First things first, it’s just retarded that anything out of bounds is a bunker, especially when it’s a litter box that fans have been stubbing out cigarettes in for 4 days.  That said, this is totally Dustin Johnson and his caddy’s fault.

The players were all given the special course rules and then another set was posted in the locker room that clearly states that this course is insane and was built by goof ass people in the northern mid-west so pay attention to our bunker rules.

Now I’ve heard plenty of commentary on this and it turns out that Dustin Johnson thinks that like all good Americans reading is for fags and he wants no part of it, even if he could read.  But that’s why you hire one of the those mamby pamby caddies, to do you reading for you, just like all those science club kids in high school.

Now we will have to hear for 6 months about can he get over this, is it too much psychological damage, will he ever win after this meltdown?  Well that shit is boring and the worst kind of pop-psychology crap that sports journalism has to offer.  Sports is like street tacos, sure you get sick one out of every 5 times, but fucking power through it, we don’t need to talk about it.  Oh, and Dustin, ask the PGA if they can do a book on tape version of the rules.

On The Google Machine

Stolen from the Geniuses at Married to the Sea

Warming Glow Has a nice rundown of Doctors with Guns a new medical spoof this fall, now if only they could combine that with Children’s Hospital somehow.

Film Drunk Still my favorite website on the intertubes, even when it’s just Vince rehashing some joke from the Hasselhoff Roast which really isn’t even a movie story except it had a little to do with Manny Shyamalan.

With Leather Josh over at With Leather does an actual interview with Matt Murphy about the Kenny Powers K-Swiss commercial.  Very interesting if you are into that kind of thing, plus real reporting from Blogfrica, take that old media.

KSK Does their annual Fantasy Team Naming Guide, because, well it’s about that time and your team needs a better name than last year.  It’s like Chanukah for us non Jews.

And finally a little housekeeping as they say:  We are recording a new podcast today which hopefully will be on iTunes pretty soon, I don’t know what the hold up is, but until then get it at http://dnpcd.podbean.com/ or go to Podcast Alley and vote for us, it really helps.  And remember to follow our twitter at https://twitter.com/AceMahogany mostly just to boost my ego.

Gary Busey, Vitamin Water and AP take on Crazy Internet Commercials

Time to Collect, cayote meat that is!

A couple weeks ago I told you about the K-Swiss internet commercial that featured DNP-CD favorite Kenny Powers and how I thought it was the first commercial by a major corporation to take advantage of the lack of restrictions online.  I had for years said that HBO should showcase super offensive commercials from companies that don’t really need business from mamby pamby school marms that complain about the shit and fuck balls words.

Now Vitamin Water, a company that has also used old Kenny as a spokesman for a special flavor made for curing hangovers (something I’ve had to drink on occasion until I realized I could just put vodka in it and kill 2 birds with one stone) has taken the same approach to commercials.  But not to be outdone with a fictional crazy man, they went to the well spring of all crazy, Gary “Juggalo Fucking” Busey.

They did a couple things that I didn’t like, which was not let Busey loose, there is no language or even anything mildly offensive in it, which was probably a requirement for having Adrian Peterson and Shaq in it.  Which is too bad, I would have just gone with fake athletes and let Gary at it, because it’s fairly obvious that Gary had no idea that this wasn’t real and that he’s not a lawyer now.

I would also like to say that the porn star looking secretary was a big win along with letting Busey scream out “Remember the Alamo” as he rushed into the room, which happens to be what Busey says every time he takes a shit.

Local Roundup with New Jazz Uniforms and Boozer as the ex-girlfriend

Since I haven’t done the locals only post I always claim I want to do, I thought I would use the unvailing of the new Jazz uniforms to highlight a couple local sports blogs, SLC Dunk which unlike me bothered to go down and actually take some pictures and Salt City Hoops which had a little article about Carlos Boozer as a girlfriend out of the Jazz’s league, a sports meme in this city that I don’t really like.

John has some great pictures from the event last night and some stills of the new uniforms, but doesn’t really talk about them except the crowed reaction.  I think there is quite a bit to say. 

Let’s start out with the good, the complete dropping of the mountains from the actual jersey is a huge plus, now if they could just get it off the floor, although the color change is a plus.  I also like the simplicity of the logo, no Utah on it, the ball is a little much on the home uniforms with 3 actual colors, but I’m glad they went with like color shadows for the homes.  Using the alternate color for the numbers is good too, the green is especially a good touch.

I can’t tell if the roads are the purple color of the Jazz logo or a blue, I think they are blue which makes no sense since that is not one of the colors any more.  I don’t think there would have been anything wrong with going green for the roads, I love the throw back greens and hope they are used about 80% of the time this year.

Which brings us to the problems with these uniforms, the trim.  Three stripes on the upper trim and then the alternate color blocks going down the sides has been very popular in the early 2000s, but makes them look armature to say the least.  The best part about the green uniforms is color consistency and a simple yellow trim.  The trim causes busyness around the face of the players and the stripe breaks up the consistent outline of the body, just not good aesthetics.  Also, with the blue they look like some kind of alternate Pacer’s uniform, and nothing good can come of that.

---

Now a quick little mention of Dan Evans’s article on Boozer over at Salt City.  He goes into the very tired metaphor about being in high school and dating a girl out of his league, like Boozer was to the Jazz then realizing that she was a pain in the ass after they broke up.  This idea is fresh in my mind after watching the extremely average She’s Out of My League last night for me other site.

I know that Boozer was a fairly big time free agent, but he was not really that big, so I don’t understand why he was so far out of our league, I mean isn’t Jefferson pretty much at his level?  Also I don’t buy this implication that the Jazz need people that are grateful to be here, sure we aren’t the favorite place of most 24 year old millionaires, but that doesn’t mean we have to wallow in self pity about it.  That’s what people who think they are not good enough to date hot girls say.  You do what you have to do to be in the picture, many of things we’ve be doing, like spending money and having a winning team.  We need to be like the nerdy kid in high school that got to college started running track, got into shape, started up a company and now rich and decent to look at.