As the Leaves Change We Move From Vh1 to the NFL

You want to go out?  Yeah, how about back to back on Vh1

Something amazing has happened this summer to the NFL and specifically the Cincinnati Bangles.  While for many years NFL athletes have been involved in the world of television and movies.  From Jim Brown on NFL players have left the game to try find their way in Hollywood and since HBO started Hard Knocks NFL athletes have found themselves in the middle of the realty TV world, although essentially just doing what it is they do anyway, namely training camp for the season.

But now something new has happened, no longer do players have to retire to move to Hollywood and no longer are they only involved in realty TV as a training camp documentary star.  This season on VH1, Viacom’s reality TV network that’s not called MTV has tapped into the NFL athlete as a realty TV vehicle.  Much as the Cinci Bengals brought 85 and T.O. together on the field as complementary catching options, VH1 has gotten Chad Ochocinco and T.O. together as back to back reality stars.  One night a week is essentially Bengals night on VH1.

T.O.’s show is kind of the thing that you would expect from an athlete reality show, if you could even expect that kind of thing to exist.  He has a girlfriend that he seems to be rather indifferent to, he rides around in really expensive cars and goes to exclusive clubs in places that people like that go to those kind of clubs in.  We watch him wander around his apartment with no shirt on getting breakfast, pretty much my life if I had $40 million more dollars and a TV crew following me around.

With Chad Eightyfive on the other hand they have gone to a VH1 staple that had until now been reserved for washed up rock stars, insane rappers and professional cum dumpsters named after cities.  The dating show!  There is an interesting twist to this one though, essentially Chad is shown as some kind of sexual prize, twisting the idea of the ultimate catch, a term usually reserved for women. He is shown in all the promos in some state of undress and seems to parade around in a strange middle ground as both a trophy to be won and a rich athlete that will provide the chosen girl with both a slight amount of fame and of course a great deal of money.

The contestants are the usual assortment of early 20s dating show skanks that America has fallen in love with, from the skinny blond with fake boobs to the skinny dark haired chick with fake boobs to the maybe latina chick with the fake boobs and of course the red head.  They of course have jobs that make tricking Ochocinco into impregnating them a wise career move as I don’t think Cocktail waitress/model, student/unemployed, student/model, cocktail waitress/student, model/hostess pays well or has what we call “growth potential.”  And I’m really positive but I think when you take hostess or model and divide it by student or cocktail waitress the answer is always stripper x part time prostitute, I mean it’s just math.

Now I know that many of you are thinking, wow how does Chad have the skill set to play pro football and decide which chick to bang for 3 months after this show ends?  And your right, it’s just asking too much, luckily his buddy Bernard Barrian from the Bears is here to help him decide.  Bernard, or B-Twice as he has assuredly nicknamed himself, is described as extremely family and God oriented and his intelligence supersedes his talents on the field, making him a perfect skank picker for Chad to go to for sage advice.

As much as I would like to see nothing but Guidos going to various beaches on my TV I have to say that this new sports/reality TV synergy if nothing else will provide me with plenty to write about over the next couple of years at least.  And all I can say to Cinci fans is, at least if this wide receiver situation flames out you can always fire up the youtube.com and relive the days when your top two receivers had VH1 reality shows, oh and I hope Ochocinco catches as many balls as the girls vying for his love certainly have.

On The Google Machine?

I have no idea why this come up when I search for on the google machine, but far be it for me not to post a picture of really fat babies at McDonald's

 

So, great news everyone, On The Google Machine is back with a daily round up worthy of every cent that you pay to read, so essentially as crappy and worthless as ever.

SB Nation has some great pictures of Roger Clemens dressed like a Bro heading to church for that one time this summer his mom made him go to meet that really nice Everly girl.

FilmDrunk This really isn’t a very interesting story but I love Vince’s sense of humor and nothing is a better example of that then John Cusack playing Edgar Allen Poe: Rape Detective.

 Warming Glow Read this to hear Matt bitch about the Emmys, mostly because I don’t really want to and have pretty much the same opinion.

Ball Don't Lie Says that Tracy McGrady is washed up, Tracy not so sure, the rest of us, totally sure.

Suicide Blonde Has a picture of Audrey Hepdurn on a bike from about 50 years ago, why am I linking you ask? Because it’s so effing cute, that’s why.

Hipster Runoff Does a report on the Bro Hat, Hipster Runoff is utterly incomprehensible in every way and they do a list that runs from A to V and that’s why they are the greatest.

Evil Pushy Agents Try to get Melo What he wants

It’s like comics writers are some strange people stuck in 1964

Adrian Woknarowski, who I think is one of the best NBA reporters today wrote a column over at Yahoo! Sports last week about Carmelo’s desire to be traded from the Nuggets during his current contract year.  There has been lots of talk about this and it’s obviously not new news.  Frankly as a Jazz fan I would love to see him go, preferably someplace far away on the east coast where we wouldn’t have to see him very often, either that or let the Jazz pick him up.

It’s not that I don’t like Melo, I actually do like him unlike many Jazz fans, he’s clearly one of the premier scorers in the NBA and I think would be great with D-Will.  It’s the Nuggets that I hate.  For years they were the also-rans of the whichever division the Jazz were in.  They were bottom of the barrel, almost every year, which made them that team, at least when they had the Skyline Jersey, the crappy team with the awesome Jersey that you could sport without caring they were a “rival”.  Golden State has for years been that team on the west coast.  But since moving to the baby blue and picking up Melo and forming this latest team, they have moved to contenders for the Northwest Division almost every year.  They are like your little brother that has finally gotten big enough that he can hit back and pull girls almost as hot as you can. Of course they fizzle every year and loose to the Jazz in the playoffs and obviously loosing Melo and whomever else they will have to dump will put them back into the rebuilding phase, which I can’t wait for.

But enough of my little schadenfreude variety hour.  What I wanted to address here was the very negative light that the Polish Penman (hoping that nickname will stick for Woj, little play on Jaws and the Polish Rifle, my favorite ethnic nickname ever) displayed Melo’s agents in.  There is obviously a distaste for agents among fans and media members that try to approach from a fan perspective.  A distaste that I cannot understand.

The structure of the NBA and all professional sports in the US that have been unionized and work off a CBA absolutely need an agent.  It is the agent that fights both the owner and, although it is never talked about, the union to get an individual player the most value for their work.  I think it’s hard for your average fan to relate to a guy that wants $17 million instead of $15 million, they are both huge amounts of money, but it does matter.  The other issue is the one at hand here, deciding where you get to work.  I think this one irks fans even more, mostly because they feel a loyalty to players and don’t like them to leave, like it’s a personal affront.

But just think about your job for a minute, how many of you are locked into a long term contract with your employer that can not be terminated from your side?  How many of you even have to give more than 2 weeks notice before you can move on to something better?  Let’s say you work at a bank, Chase for example, you can’t leave for 6 years, and at any moment they can send you off to work for Wells Fargo across the country.  It’s a very unusual work circumstance that most of us can’t even relate to.

So when you are sick of being a waiter at the Olive Garden, you throw down a plate of All You Can Eat Pasta Spectacular, tell your boss to go fuck himself, make a semi racist comment about those stupid commercials with the 3 white couples and the one white couple that happens to have skin that looks kinda black and storm out to get a job at Fluffinuggers Pizza and Beer next week.  Well Melo has to do the same thing, but using a bunch of agents and their PR people and the news paper and get traded to another place.  He is a resource with market value, it’s just that he can’t make use of that value because he is locked into a contract.

I have said for years that the CBA and the unions in sports need to be blown up.  I don’t think that sports leagues are monopolies, and by the actual definition of monopolies they are not.  But until the talent is free to choose their contracts as they see fit, this is the only way to go about things.  The only thing a players owes a team is to maximize their playing performance while they are under contract, not to extend that contract, not to be satisfied with that contract and not to stay in a place for the duration of that contract.

Bench Cast #5 Good Bye Sweet Lou

We’ve gotten a new Bench Cast out today, it’s not the NFC preview that you’ve been expecting, that’s been pushed back to Saturday, but it’s good stuff none the less.  We cover Sweet Lou retiring, NFL going to 18 games in 2012, Jim Furyk not waking up, Elin leaving Tiger and Jenn Brown and Icehouse.

 

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Ride Pine end of the benchers!

Haslem + Weed = Who Cares

The only Miami Weed pic without a topless chick               

So as everyone know, if only because we talked about it on The Bench Cast #4 that on the 16th Udonis Haslem was arrested in Miami for having weed in the car.  I don’t talk much about my politics if you want to call them that on this site, but without getting into anything else I don’t think that drug laws are either just or affective.  I also don’t think that the NBA should worry about weed, but that’s another subject.

There were a couple things about this that I wanted to touch on.  First, they got pulled over doing 78 in 60, which is fine, that’s way over the limit you should expect to get pulled over.  But the article by Tim Reynolds said that the cops searched the car twice for contraband, why?  Why would going really fast have anything to do with weed?  Maybe if they were doing 27 in a 60 and stopping at every taco stand on the street.  The second thing is why search twice, it drives me crazy that these police to pad their stats or just because they have some stick up their ass about drugs go to such extremes to find the stuff.

The second issue is this, what the hell are athletes thinking?  They are rich enough to have a crew, all of them except maybe Steve Nash roll with 4 or 5 dudes everywhere.  Guess what, buy another S-Class to drive in front of you carrying all the guns and drugs, like the president does.  If you get pulled over, those guys take the fall, you pay them off big time, mob style, take care of the families and what not and you get off.  That’s what a crew is for, to protect you.  Same thing with the DUIs, get your boys to drive, they are reaching in your dolla bill garbage bag at the scrip club, they can roll the car, throw a bitch their way, come on.

Also, as my favorite comic Daniel Tosh says, grow the fuck up and do coke like an adult.

Independence and Economics at BYU

Don’t ever Search for cougar and money on Google                           

I think that at this point the discussion of BYU leaving the MWC is nothing but a matter of economics spurned on by their closest rival Utah bolting to the PAC-10.  It has been reported that the PAC-10 will be paying Utah around $15 million a year after they become full members of the conference.  BYU received $1.3 million per year from their current deal with MWC conference due to their incredibly lucrative tv deal on The Mountain.

If any of you have not seen The Mountain it is about one step above public access and probably not any better than BYU’s own station BYU TV, which is integral to this project even being possible for the Cougars.  I don’t think without the fact that not only does BYU run it’s own station, but also has a fully equipped HD broadcast studio on campus that this would be even possible.

To me the process would work much like the Big 10 or Big 12 network deals.  BYU gets cable companies to carry their station, which can be broadcast in HD to as many areas that have a high number of Mormon or if they exist non-Mormon Cougar fans.  This would carry the bulk of their sports programming and bring in ad revenue along with whatever they could get the cable companies to pay them, probably 10 cents per subscriber at the top end, if anything.  This would of course force BYU TV to change their listing with the FCC from a religious non revenue earning station to a commercial station.

The second move would be to work their own deal with ESPN and other national carriers on showing specific match ups in Football and Basketball and receiving revenue from that.  With the on site capabilities it may prove more likely that national stations would want to broadcast from BYU, saving the cost of brining their own equipment and uplink systems.

There is little doubt that BYU could not get over $2 million in contracts through these methods.  The real problem then is does this allow the football program to grow?  Can they get the matchups they need to be ranked high enough to have a chance at a BCS or even national championship?  Since it’s obvious that they won’t get special considerations like Notre Dame.  Also, is there a way for them to squeeze the MWC for a bigger cut of the revenue form other sports and just leave in football, or make independent TV deals, throw their weight around like Texas, since they are the big player in the MWC now.

I love nothing more than conferences being shaken up and the BCS being affected, I am hoping things get worse before they get better in college football.

Bench Cast Episode 4

So here we are with episode 4 of the Bench Cast, we have a large cast today with Uji, Ron, Fran and myself.  We talk about the Haslem weed bust, the new Jazz uniforms, BYU going independent, the joy around the blogfrica about Mariotti going to jail and a little on Favre.  http://dnpcd.podbean.com/

Remember to subscribe from there or from iTunes where you can leave us a review, which is super helpful, just click the link or search for bench cast.  Also, follow me on twitter, it’s a complete waste of your time and will probably get you fired, but why not, http://twitter.com/AceMahogany

We should be back with another podcast on Wednesday, so it will actually be up on Thursday is my guess, it will be the NFC preview and then Saturday we will do an AFC preview to get you all geared up for the season.  Until then stay tuned for our regular posts on the site.

Bench Cast #3

It’s a new Bench Cast from this Thursday, it’s not the greatest, but might be worth checking out for 30 minutes while you’re walking the dog or something.  It’s another solo one with Francesca, we try to talk about sports, get into her website and drink way too many gin and tonics.  Head over to Podbean to get it if you don’t subscribe or now you can subscribe on iTunes so you never miss a new podcast.  Please remember to leave a review on iTunes, it really helps.  We will have a new podcast with everyone up tomorrow morning and then our NFL previews will be this Wednesday and Saturday so stay tuned.

Brett in debt to Viking nation!

Well, that's how he put it..."I owe it to the organization to give it one more try." I wouldn't say he owes it to the organization, until I realized how many hearts were ripped straight from the chest of all those associated with the Minnesota Vikings. For those of you who don't recall what happened last year in the NFC Championship game, Favre threw an interception in the last minute of the game on the last drive which ultimately could have been the last pass ever to be thrown by one of the best at that position! In a statement after the game, he said it felt like that last drive was "destiny" and that he was responsible for not getting the purple into the Super Bowl for the first time since 1976. So yeah, maybe the great #4 might owe them another shot at it!
Personally, I have come to the realization that no matter how old this guy gets he doesn't age on the football field. The "Silver Fox" still can compete with the other top athletes in the league that are half his age, at 40 years old last year(Favre will be turning 41 in October this year) he put up one of the best years in his career! He set career bests in completion percentage (68.4), quarterback rating (107.2) and fewest interceptions, while throwing for 4,202 yards, that's crazy good! The gray haired rocket arm also was the first 40 year old to win a playoff game while throwing four touchdowns. Favre says this will be his last and final season, no matter the outcome, and for the most part, I don't blame him. The average NFL career last somewhere between 2 to 4 years, Brett has been in the league since he was drafted in 1991 by the Atlanta Falcons. His career is anything and everything other than average. The amount of beatings Favre has taken over nearly two decades in the NFL will never be able to be measured, but one can assume that long after his career is over, he will still feel the pain and agony that he has established over the years. With that being said, he still has one more "Hail Mary" left in a shot at a super bowl ring, and to Brett, the reward outweighs the risk by far. He has been boasting about the chemistry of the team, and how much he has connected with all the young players in the locker room, there is something special about this team, and Brett will be the first to let you know. If you find it hard to believe that this 40 almost 41 year "old man" gets along with once his long time rival, and kids/teammates that are almost have his age, watch this...

Dustin Johnson finds a bunker in the Parking lot

Since this is the hot news of the day I better write about it so that I can get some of that SEO that everyone is telling me about and maybe get some readers that aren’t Eastern Euros looking for pictures of Linus’s girlfriend.

It seems that at the PGA championship everything that isn’t made of grass is considered a bunker.  This seems to include things that aren’t even on the golf course, the snack stand, the parking lot, some guys backyard across the street.  I kept thinking of the Lee Carvallo’s Putting Challenge when Bart blasts it into the parking lot and has to put back off of a car.

First things first, it’s just retarded that anything out of bounds is a bunker, especially when it’s a litter box that fans have been stubbing out cigarettes in for 4 days.  That said, this is totally Dustin Johnson and his caddy’s fault.

The players were all given the special course rules and then another set was posted in the locker room that clearly states that this course is insane and was built by goof ass people in the northern mid-west so pay attention to our bunker rules.

Now I’ve heard plenty of commentary on this and it turns out that Dustin Johnson thinks that like all good Americans reading is for fags and he wants no part of it, even if he could read.  But that’s why you hire one of the those mamby pamby caddies, to do you reading for you, just like all those science club kids in high school.

Now we will have to hear for 6 months about can he get over this, is it too much psychological damage, will he ever win after this meltdown?  Well that shit is boring and the worst kind of pop-psychology crap that sports journalism has to offer.  Sports is like street tacos, sure you get sick one out of every 5 times, but fucking power through it, we don’t need to talk about it.  Oh, and Dustin, ask the PGA if they can do a book on tape version of the rules.

On The Google Machine

Stolen from the Geniuses at Married to the Sea

Warming Glow Has a nice rundown of Doctors with Guns a new medical spoof this fall, now if only they could combine that with Children’s Hospital somehow.

Film Drunk Still my favorite website on the intertubes, even when it’s just Vince rehashing some joke from the Hasselhoff Roast which really isn’t even a movie story except it had a little to do with Manny Shyamalan.

With Leather Josh over at With Leather does an actual interview with Matt Murphy about the Kenny Powers K-Swiss commercial.  Very interesting if you are into that kind of thing, plus real reporting from Blogfrica, take that old media.

KSK Does their annual Fantasy Team Naming Guide, because, well it’s about that time and your team needs a better name than last year.  It’s like Chanukah for us non Jews.

And finally a little housekeeping as they say:  We are recording a new podcast today which hopefully will be on iTunes pretty soon, I don’t know what the hold up is, but until then get it at http://dnpcd.podbean.com/ or go to Podcast Alley and vote for us, it really helps.  And remember to follow our twitter at https://twitter.com/AceMahogany mostly just to boost my ego.

Gary Busey, Vitamin Water and AP take on Crazy Internet Commercials

Time to Collect, cayote meat that is!

A couple weeks ago I told you about the K-Swiss internet commercial that featured DNP-CD favorite Kenny Powers and how I thought it was the first commercial by a major corporation to take advantage of the lack of restrictions online.  I had for years said that HBO should showcase super offensive commercials from companies that don’t really need business from mamby pamby school marms that complain about the shit and fuck balls words.

Now Vitamin Water, a company that has also used old Kenny as a spokesman for a special flavor made for curing hangovers (something I’ve had to drink on occasion until I realized I could just put vodka in it and kill 2 birds with one stone) has taken the same approach to commercials.  But not to be outdone with a fictional crazy man, they went to the well spring of all crazy, Gary “Juggalo Fucking” Busey.

They did a couple things that I didn’t like, which was not let Busey loose, there is no language or even anything mildly offensive in it, which was probably a requirement for having Adrian Peterson and Shaq in it.  Which is too bad, I would have just gone with fake athletes and let Gary at it, because it’s fairly obvious that Gary had no idea that this wasn’t real and that he’s not a lawyer now.

I would also like to say that the porn star looking secretary was a big win along with letting Busey scream out “Remember the Alamo” as he rushed into the room, which happens to be what Busey says every time he takes a shit.

Local Roundup with New Jazz Uniforms and Boozer as the ex-girlfriend

Since I haven’t done the locals only post I always claim I want to do, I thought I would use the unvailing of the new Jazz uniforms to highlight a couple local sports blogs, SLC Dunk which unlike me bothered to go down and actually take some pictures and Salt City Hoops which had a little article about Carlos Boozer as a girlfriend out of the Jazz’s league, a sports meme in this city that I don’t really like.

John has some great pictures from the event last night and some stills of the new uniforms, but doesn’t really talk about them except the crowed reaction.  I think there is quite a bit to say. 

Let’s start out with the good, the complete dropping of the mountains from the actual jersey is a huge plus, now if they could just get it off the floor, although the color change is a plus.  I also like the simplicity of the logo, no Utah on it, the ball is a little much on the home uniforms with 3 actual colors, but I’m glad they went with like color shadows for the homes.  Using the alternate color for the numbers is good too, the green is especially a good touch.

I can’t tell if the roads are the purple color of the Jazz logo or a blue, I think they are blue which makes no sense since that is not one of the colors any more.  I don’t think there would have been anything wrong with going green for the roads, I love the throw back greens and hope they are used about 80% of the time this year.

Which brings us to the problems with these uniforms, the trim.  Three stripes on the upper trim and then the alternate color blocks going down the sides has been very popular in the early 2000s, but makes them look armature to say the least.  The best part about the green uniforms is color consistency and a simple yellow trim.  The trim causes busyness around the face of the players and the stripe breaks up the consistent outline of the body, just not good aesthetics.  Also, with the blue they look like some kind of alternate Pacer’s uniform, and nothing good can come of that.

---

Now a quick little mention of Dan Evans’s article on Boozer over at Salt City.  He goes into the very tired metaphor about being in high school and dating a girl out of his league, like Boozer was to the Jazz then realizing that she was a pain in the ass after they broke up.  This idea is fresh in my mind after watching the extremely average She’s Out of My League last night for me other site.

I know that Boozer was a fairly big time free agent, but he was not really that big, so I don’t understand why he was so far out of our league, I mean isn’t Jefferson pretty much at his level?  Also I don’t buy this implication that the Jazz need people that are grateful to be here, sure we aren’t the favorite place of most 24 year old millionaires, but that doesn’t mean we have to wallow in self pity about it.  That’s what people who think they are not good enough to date hot girls say.  You do what you have to do to be in the picture, many of things we’ve be doing, like spending money and having a winning team.  We need to be like the nerdy kid in high school that got to college started running track, got into shape, started up a company and now rich and decent to look at.

Podcast Alley

We are finally up on podcastalley.com so if you love the podcast go over there and vote for us, it would be super duper awesome.  We can use all the votes we can get and you can subscribe from there also if you don’t like podbean for some reason.  We should also be on itunes any day now when they get around to it.

Thanks.

Dr. Dunkenstein on SportsBeat Sunday

 

Video Courtesy of KSL.com

So this week on Sports Beat Sunday for those of you who may not be from Utah or watch local sports is just that, a local sports show.  So they had on Derrell Griffith, former Jazz swingman and holder of my all time favorite NBA nickname.

Unfortunately on the website they only mention Hot Rod calling his Golden Griff, which like all Rod’s nicknames sounds like it was in the Tacoma Star Republican Trib from 1897.  I wish the Jazz would pick up another 2 or 3 that would throw down like that, they need some Dunkensteining back in the mix, or a crazy assistant coach that yells, “It’s Dunkensteen!”

On The Google Machine

The internet, and it’s tubes.

KSK - Peter King: I link to this post almost every week because it’s awesome.  I can never get enough of Drew breaking down Peter King’s weekly diatribe on coffee, loving Bret the Indecisive and what hotels are on Pete’s shit list this week.

Juggalos at Film Drunk: Unfortunately this doesn’t have anything to do with Miss Tequila getting Juggaloed off the stage, I guess no one gives a shit about throwing the first stone when you’re a piece of shit meth head.  But it does have Tom Green and some hilarious quotes.

Ice Ice Soccer at With Leather:  The Icelandic soccer team is back at it with some new goal celebrations, now if only they could fix what I call the “goal celibacy” problem with soccer.

New Jazz Uniforms: Brad Rock talks about the new Jazz unis, he’s right on almost every point except the skyline Nuggets uniforms which are fucking awesome.

Bench Cast #2

 

The second episode of The Bench Cast, brought to you by DNP-CD.  Tonight riding the pine we have DNP-CD contributors Nick Ujifusa and Andy Ronald as well as me as usual.  We discuss Uji growing up as a gay baseball player in an a macho world, Ron's love of gambling, Tiger Woods recent decline in performance, a couple recent fights including Jim Gray and Cory Pavin, K-Rod and his father in law, Matt Barnes and a coach and the Cards and Cinci.  We then finish with Uji almost loosing it talking about Papelbon and the Red Sox's bench and we finish with a new segment called Crazy Shit Ron says.

Check it out over at http://dnpcd.podbean.com/2010/08/15/6-fingers-of-dusty-baker/ where you can subscribe to the RSS or just listen to it here:

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Hopefully we will be on I-Tunes pretty soon too.

Jim Gray Swinging his Cheese Dick at Corey Pavin

Jim Gray is back in the news today, let me start this out with an insanely detailed pop-culture metaphor to explain this banner pick.  Having looked back on it I have decided that The Decision is essentially Blue Velvet with LeBron playing the role of Dennis Hopper spouting “I’m taking my talents to to South Beach” instead of “Fuck Heineken, Pabts Blue Ribbon”  Jim Gray is obviously Isabella Rossellini with the fingernail question being the equivalent of letting LeBron call him mommy while Jim sucks him off and everyone in Cleveland playing the role of Kyle MacLahlan hiding in the closet watching this horrifying display.

Like what happens to most people that have had the opportunity to blow someone famous, they suddenly see themselves as part of the crew, a squirt to the face is the knighting of a new member of the LeBron crew.  So being the newest member, Jim Gray is going to move from kissing ass in the most bogus interview special ever to slinging his big cheese dick around and landing it with a giant blue cheese mushroom splat on Corey Pavin’s forehead.

Like what happens a million times a year in sports media Corey Pavin makes an off the cuff comment about picking Tiger for the Ryder cup to Jim Gray, Gray reports it and then Pavin denies it.  Happens all the time, every sport, every reporter, everyone and what usually happens is…nothing.  The reporter moves on, the truth eventually comes out and everyone says either the athlete or coach is covering or the reporter simply misquoted him depending on the results in the end.

Not this time, this time Jim Gray, in a press conference calls Pavin out in front of a bunch of media members.  Goes total Sunny on him, says he’s going to take him down, WWF in 1986 style, probably went Mr. T and told Pavin to send his wife by to find out how a real man fucks.  This is just so awesome, I assume Gray called up LeBron later that night saying that he needed to put a hit out and LeBron knowing that Gray was out of line like Pesci in Goodfellas just sat there in silence and then whispered that to his right hand man that Gray needed to be reigned in.

This can only end like Goodfather 2, it’s going to be LeBron and Gray floating out in the middle of lake someplace in the fog, LeBron says, “How could you Jim, I thought we were family”  then fade to black with a quiet splash in the distance.

Ahhh, Steroids in Football Story, How Quaint

So for the last couple of weeks ESPN has been telling me that I should care that Brian Cushing of the Texans has tested positive for some banned substance.  Not that he actually tested positive for any specific banned substance but that his hCG levels were too high indicating that he could have been in the middle of a cycle.  First off, it’s football, no one, literally no one cares.  I mean the talking heads that come on Around The Horn spout about it for a couple days, but not even the sanctimonious pricks that make up the AP sports writers cared enough to take away his defensive rookie of the year.  So since we’ve already determined that steroids mean nothing in football, hell you can get comeback player of the year for missing time do to a steroids suspension, what is the story here.

Well, here is the story, Cushing, backed by his owner Bob McNair has said that the positive results were not from some banned substance but from Overtrained Athlete Syndrome.  Unlike Kenny Powers it seems Cushing does want to be the best at exercising and just worked out so damn hard that his hCG was blasting out of his body in ultimate manliness.  Since this is a new and unique excuse for positive tests, I wanted to review some classic steroid excuses to see how it compares.

Justin Gatlin who tested positive claimed that a pissed off masseuse rub The Cream into his legs to make him test positive.  This is epic because it has the pissed off girlfriend/prostitute angle.  Never get on the bad side of a masseuse.

Petr Korda whom I have to respect for dropping the E out of Peter to help stream line it, something I am seriously considering, it’s very important to be efficient in this economy.  Anyway this Czech tennis sensation claimed that his nandolone came from his love of veal, apparently he only ate at Vegas dinner shows because it would take 40 veal chops a day for 20 years for that much nandolone to build up, clearly that’s what’s keeping Don Rickles employed.

Dieter Baumann was the subject of what he claimed was toothpaste spiking, clearly too close to the east German secret police tactics he though that would fly as an excuse.  And then in an O.J. like moment he offered $100,000 German Marks to find the guy that spiked his toothpaste, the dudes probably either on the golf course or it’s some Porto Rican guy.

And finally we have Dennis Mitchell who was clearly using the DENNIS method scoring four bouts of sprinter sex after crushing not 3, not 4, but 5 whole beers in one night.  Must have gotten one of those Heineken Christmas 5 packs.  What really put his story in doubt was that this 5 beer sexcapade was not with an Olympic groupie but with his wife, sure dude, sure.

Sports!

While trying to decide what to write about on what has obviously been a very slow day in sports, which is kinda good since I’ve been really busy with work (I do have a post on the Bengal’s new wide receiving corps and their VH1 block that I can’t decide if I should post here or on AIF) I decided to simply search sports in google images and see what it came up with.  Both of these pictures were on the first page of images.

One is obviously from about 1907 when there were 3 sports, golf, hockey and basketballs in 3 states of inflation and when you tried to get your equipment a gay French sailor with a bullhorn would yell at you.  The second comes from England where obviously sport means something that you do with a helmet on.  Which is odd since they are so into soccer which is not played with a helmet, although stretchers are very important and not football, the most helmeted sport of all.

Now that I’m three paragraphs in to this I realize that this is neither funny nor going anywhere, like most dates I go on.  Sorry about wasting your time on this one, it’s a lot like those last couple Connery Bond movies, we’ll be back tomorrow with something a lot better, maybe some Malaysian Viper Porn or a break down of the ‘86 Mets, who knows.

LeBron Challenges Amare to Jew-Off

Last week it was reported that former Sun Amare Stoudemire had gone to Isreal to discover his Jewish roots and get a really small Star of David tat, I guess just in case he changes his mind at some point you wouldn’t want it too large.  When questioned about why he thought he was Jewish he responded with “through history, we all are.”  This cryptic quote is either some philosophical statement about Jewish Historical Determinism or he is confused and thinks Jewish and Human are synonymous.  Of course the cynical people among us might notice that while he was in Phoenix there was no mention or interest in joining the tribe, but upon moving to New York to play for the Nicks he decided to explore being the man version of Whoopi Goldberg.

Personally I think this is a great move, not just because he is going to New York, but because of the general make up of the NBA audience.  Often referred to as “Urban” it has long been known that the NBA fan is mush more representative of both Black and Jewish fans than the general population of the US.  There has also been a rather serious racial undertone in the NBA of a Jewish management structure with a Black workforce, due to the same over sampling of Jewish owners, managers and of course David Stern and the large number of specifically African American players.  This is Amare’s chance to bridge this gap and bring these sides together.

Not of course to be outdone, LeBron has decided to make his move towards the Chosen People this week as well.  LeBron as we have seen in the last month is extremely calculating in his PR, even if his calculations are often severely wrong headed, like 2+2=5 kind of wrong headed.  Since moving to Miami, essentially the old New York with more Cubans he has also picked up a Jewish angle.

Like most celebrities aka. Madonna he couldn’t just go talk to any Rabbi, he had to go get a celebrity Rabbi, the religious version of  a celebrity only club or spa service.  Now to me since Miami already loves him, this could not be a way to get the older Miami retirement population to like him and since LeBron has shown his love of sticking it to people I can only think this is a dig.  First another shot at New York, showing that he’s brining his Jewish connection down to South Beach, something very different than Bringing Your Talents to South Beach.  And also an attack at Amare who is now right up the coast in his same division.

Frankly I can’t wait to see the Yarmulkes fly as these two meet up this winter for the no-pork battle to rule east coast basketball Jewish supremacy.  If you ask me they should get Moses Malone to call all their games, not because he’s Jewish, but just because his name is Moses and it seems fitting, plus he can’t talk at all so it will be hilarious.

Bench Cast

Sorry for the lack of posts this weekend, I was upgrading the computer and couldn’t due much until I finished it.  But we do have a couple of announcements, first Mitch has finally joined the staff, even if he hasn’t written anything, so that makes us predominantly Mexican and Japanese, like Sushi with a side of rice and beans.  How’s that for diversity in on a blog that’s mostly just about being racist and saying dirty words.
Secondly, and in some ways even more importantly is that we have recorded our first podcast, for now I think I’ll call it the Bench Cast, but a new name may come up later that doesn’t suck.  You can get it over at http://dnpcd.podbean.com/ which I think should have an RSS feed if you want to subscribe and I’m going to try to figure out how to get it on I-Tunes.  We should be doing these once a week, hopefully with the guys from that banner pic.
This week in was just me and my friend Francesca from That's What She Sent a very NSFW blog that pretty much just posts pictures of naked chicks sent on her friends’ cell phones.  It’s pretty much the most awesome thing ever and you should check it out, just not at the office.
We should be back on schedule with posts this week, hopefully a couple of our other writers will step it up and of course we’ll be on the clock for Brett Favre’s retirement decision, or not, it’s really up to Uj since he loves those purple sex fiends up in Minnesota.
Queef out!

Talent Prevails....kinda.

This is an article dedicated to the few athletes that had enough athletic ability and talent to overcome the loose screws in their head! I know their are plenty of athletes that could make the list, but I am gonna try to narrow it down to the nuttiest of nuts, for each respected sport, and please feel free to include your own in the comment section below if you disagree or agree with my choices! LETS GET IT ON!(oh and BTW I have decided to write this new article while listening to a mixture of system of a down and deftones, seemed fitting!)

NBA: DENNIS RODMAN


Arguably one of the best rebounders of all time, this dude definitely didn't let his rebounding do the talking on or off the court(actually he had some of the best rebound chicks in the game, but that calls for a different article!). In fact, he was the most interesting man in the NBA for most of the 90's! You never knew what his hair color was going to be, what "B" list celebrity girlfriend was going to be in the stands, even the camera men weren't safe (i.e. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l-NDZGtU7So)! Look, this all could have been an act, a way to get attention, or maybe this dude is really nuts! I am thinking the latter! Whatever the case was, it worked in his favor! Just think if you had to guard a guy like that, or had to battle him for a rebound, I wouldn't do it, I would just give him the free pass to the bucket. The man was a walking STD!!! Maybe that's why he was such a great rebounder, no one wanted to get in his way in fear of getting infected! All jokes aside you can't argue with his numbers...Over 911 games Dennis the menace pulled in 11,954 rebounds, which is an amazing 13.1 rebounds a game! He has rebounded a career high 34 rebounds in one game, that's cleaning more glass than a bottle of Windex(damn, that was a bad joke! sorry!). Oh and besides rebounding, he won 5 NBA rings, you can probably find at least two of them for sale at the Pawn Stars shop!

NFL: ORENTHAL JAMES SIMPSON



Okay, I feel bad putting that mug shot up, dude looks really, really sad! I would be too if I was in his situation! I am not going into detail about the murders we all know what happened and although he was found not guilty, the Las Vegas Jury selection in 2008 was not going to let him get off the hook a second time. Damn Hollywood and their judicial system when it comes to celebrities(i.e Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, Lohan again, oh and Lohan again)! Long story short "the Juice" was charged with numerous felonies including armed robbery and kidnapping and is now currently serving in Lovelock, NV for at least nine years!
He was a two time All-American at USC, he led the nation in rushing both those years. The Juice ran in the sprint relay in Provo, UT in 1967 where his relay team held the world record after that race! He was inducted into the NFL Hall of Fame in 1985, the first year he was eligible! He did many T.V. endorsements, football analysis, and appeared in movies, anyone remember the Naked Gun trilogy??? The black dude in the wheel chair that fell off the upper deck at the Dodger game in that movie...yup that was the Juice! Hey Juice, one piece of advice from the writers here at DNP-CD....Don't drop the soap!!! Good Luck!

PGA:Tiger Woods/John Daly

(Ladies....he is pointing at you!!!!)

Okay, So the only sport we have two off the wall athletes to showcase is the gentleman's game, golf. We will focus on Tiger first, his antics OFF the course is which makes him top the golfer screw up list! We all know what happened with Tiger and his many, many, MANY skanks! But the amazing thing is if you could name one athlete that you thought was squeaky clean as far as personal life, professional career, etc. Tiger would be at the top of the list! That's why he made my list, it was the biggest surprise ever! Then when all the sleazy texts/sexts and the list of girls he was with comprised of women from all different backgrounds including porn stars, strippers, club promoters and, of course, a waitress form Perkins, the public couldn't get enough! That still puts a smile on my face, the most paid athlete in all of professional sports ever is hitting on a middle age single parent who happens to work at the Perkins restaurant within a couple miles of his home in Florida. Its okay, if I was coming home to a Swedish blonde bombshell bikini model, I might get sick of her too and just want a nice average woman to bring me some fried chicken, or maybe some steak, or even better some chicken fried steak! Whatever the case is you gotta give some credit to the waitress, great pull, ma'am, great pull! C'mon T-Woods, you're better than that!

2nd stop on the golf crazies...

DALY GONE WILD...hitting a DVD store near you!!!!

"Long" John Daly is known for crushing it off the tee, he is also known for crushing natty lights and high lifes in between holes, and also for sucking down cancer sticks as much as Kirstie Alley sucks down chocolate cake! There has never been a golfer on tour to ever do what Daly has done throughout his career, I am pretty sure Adam Sandler based his character, Happy Gilmore, on Long John! I remember watching a tournament a couple years ago on the golf channel, and no joke, Daly had two sponsors on his golf shirt. On the left side there was the Dunkin Donuts logo, and then off to the right shoulder was a Hooters logo! Soooo good! John used to pull his trailer up to the nearest hooters in whatever tournament he was in and throw parties with the Hooter girls and the men that were there "for the delicious wings"! Awesome!
Daly, although a partier at heart, has one some pretty prestigious PGA tournaments including the Brittish Open back in 1995. He won the PGA Championship in 1991, and made an appearance in Utah in 1987 winning the Ben Hogan Classic! He was also named PGA rookie of the year and has the U.S. Open trophy hiding somewhere in his trailer, probably under all those Hooters take out boxes, and doughnut holes under his bed! The difference between Tiger and Daly is that Jon was only hurting himself by pounding all that beer, and smoking all those cigs. Tiger hurt his colleagues and family and the PGA! Bad Tiger, Bad!

BOXING: MIKE TYSON



I am kinda excited to write about this guy! I mean look at the picture above, don't you just hear that old school NES(Nintendo Entertainment System, try to keep up NEWBS) noise every time Tyson threw that power punch that would leave "lil Mac" out cold?! What an awesome game! We think of Iron Mike as if he is some freak, some crazy dude that has lost more money then most of us will see in a lifetime. But lets skip back like 20 years before the face tat, before the domestic abuse on his wife, before the biting off of Holyfields ear, before the movie the Hangover. There has never been anyone in sports more explosive than "Kid Dynamite". He won his first 19 bouts by knockout and 11 of those knockouts came in the first round...don't blink! Think about that, there was no PPV channels(Pay Per View, c'mon NEWBS!), there were no DVR's if you wanted to watch arguably the greatest heavyweight of all time and you were as little as 5 minutes late to your HBO fight night party, there was a pretty good chance you might have missed the fight all together! Too bad professional boxing has taken a back seat to all the hillbilly, trailer trash, dumb as rock fans that have put MMA up in the drivers seat. I guarantee even at Iron Mikes age and fitness ability right now, he would whoop the shit out of any of those wannabe athletes called MMA fighters! Try to stay classy MMA fan a.k.a. douchebags!!!! That was a lil harsh, but true, none the less!

FOOTBALL/BASEBALL: sorry but there are way too many F*&% ups to write about! haha
But I will leave you with two great videos one from each sport! ENJOY!

K-Powers

Much like Kenny Powers I was slow to get posting today due to banging your sister on the Great Wall

Last night I was over at Uji’s house, also known as 1994 due to it’s conspicuous lack of the internet, probably the main reason that he never posts shit anymore and for some reason he gets ESPN the magazine.  Well, I picked it up, probably because I was high and there in the front cover is a Kenny Powers K-Swiss add.  I read the add, doesn’t sound anything like Kenny Powers, completely edited and the toss it down in disgust thinking it’s another ESPN cross promotional bullshit, until of course I see this video on Funny or Die.

This is what advertising should be, and what it is in Europe and Japan on occasion.  This is the show, in all its genius and glory made into a commercial, this is Kenny Powers.  And it’s perfect for K-Swiss, since no real athlete would ever where them, why not get a pretend athlete to endorse them.

I’ve thought a lot about the future of television, what are stations going to do when literally no one watches commercials because everyone has a DVR?  Soccer has had this situation forever due to the running clock, so what do they do, they cover everything and everyone with adds of course.  So here we have the perfect combo, there is no reason that this scene couldn’t have fit perfectly into an episode of Eastbound and Down, this could be the new advertising.  Since this is my sports blog, I don’t really want to get into advertising very much, but I love this creative product placement, not that ham-fisted “I’m eating my delicious Subway breakfast shit” that they do on Chuck.  I also like that the Great Wall of China and a cemetery carry the same level of import when discussing awesome places to fuck hot chicks, thanks K-Powers!

Special Sunday Audacity

I don’t usually write over the weekend because I’m so tuckered out from giving your mom just what she needs, but this is a special day so get on the special bus and head to awesome town with me.

First, we want welcome Ale to the end of the bench, he’s first post is the Adam Morrison towel waving goodness that we expect from the bench players of DNP-CD, make sure to check it out, it should be right below this one or go to http://dnp-cd.blogspot.com/2010/08/winning-and-losing.html

Also, Mitch keeps saying he’s going to have something up this weekend, although I see no evidence of it so far, but we an only hope.  I think once he starts writing we will get a government diversity grant for being like 60% Hispanic, 35% Asian and lots of people think I’m Jewish so we’ll go 25% on that front.

But that’s not what we’re here for, we’re here to hype the newest sports podcast to hit the web.  Sklarbro Country by the Sklar brothers.  If any of you remember Cheap Seats from when ESPN Classics was a good station or listen to Rome now and again you will definitely know Randy and Jason.  And the podcast is just what you would expect, the perfect combo of their radio stylings from Rome mixed with their standup and of course Indie rock.

Check it out if just for the great Jerry Jones impression and A’Mare Jewish coming out of the pantry talk.  A solid first offering that I personally hope stays great and is definitely going to being adding it to my podcast schedule.

Winning and Losing

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