So for the last couple of weeks ESPN has been telling me that I should care that Brian Cushing of the Texans has tested positive for some banned substance. Not that he actually tested positive for any specific banned substance but that his hCG levels were too high indicating that he could have been in the middle of a cycle. First off, it’s football, no one, literally no one cares. I mean the talking heads that come on Around The Horn spout about it for a couple days, but not even the sanctimonious pricks that make up the AP sports writers cared enough to take away his defensive rookie of the year. So since we’ve already determined that steroids mean nothing in football, hell you can get comeback player of the year for missing time do to a steroids suspension, what is the story here.
Well, here is the story, Cushing, backed by his owner Bob McNair has said that the positive results were not from some banned substance but from Overtrained Athlete Syndrome. Unlike Kenny Powers it seems Cushing does want to be the best at exercising and just worked out so damn hard that his hCG was blasting out of his body in ultimate manliness. Since this is a new and unique excuse for positive tests, I wanted to review some classic steroid excuses to see how it compares.
Justin Gatlin who tested positive claimed that a pissed off masseuse rub The Cream into his legs to make him test positive. This is epic because it has the pissed off girlfriend/prostitute angle. Never get on the bad side of a masseuse.
Petr Korda whom I have to respect for dropping the E out of Peter to help stream line it, something I am seriously considering, it’s very important to be efficient in this economy. Anyway this Czech tennis sensation claimed that his nandolone came from his love of veal, apparently he only ate at Vegas dinner shows because it would take 40 veal chops a day for 20 years for that much nandolone to build up, clearly that’s what’s keeping Don Rickles employed.
Dieter Baumann was the subject of what he claimed was toothpaste spiking, clearly too close to the east German secret police tactics he though that would fly as an excuse. And then in an O.J. like moment he offered $100,000 German Marks to find the guy that spiked his toothpaste, the dudes probably either on the golf course or it’s some Porto Rican guy.
And finally we have Dennis Mitchell who was clearly using the DENNIS method scoring four bouts of sprinter sex after crushing not 3, not 4, but 5 whole beers in one night. Must have gotten one of those Heineken Christmas 5 packs. What really put his story in doubt was that this 5 beer sexcapade was not with an Olympic groupie but with his wife, sure dude, sure.
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