So for the last couple of weeks ESPN has been telling me that I should care that Brian Cushing of the Texans has tested positive for some banned substance. Not that he actually tested positive for any specific banned substance but that his hCG levels were too high indicating that he could have been in the middle of a cycle. First off, it’s football, no one, literally no one cares. I mean the talking heads that come on Around The Horn spout about it for a couple days, but not even the sanctimonious pricks that make up the AP sports writers cared enough to take away his defensive rookie of the year. So since we’ve already determined that steroids mean nothing in football, hell you can get comeback player of the year for missing time do to a steroids suspension, what is the story here.
Well, here is the story, Cushing, backed by his owner Bob McNair has said that the positive results were not from some banned substance but from Overtrained Athlete Syndrome. Unlike Kenny Powers it seems Cushing does want to be the best at exercising and just worked out so damn hard that his hCG was blasting out of his body in ultimate manliness. Since this is a new and unique excuse for positive tests, I wanted to review some classic steroid excuses to see how it compares.
Justin Gatlin who tested positive claimed that a pissed off masseuse rub The Cream into his legs to make him test positive. This is epic because it has the pissed off girlfriend/prostitute angle. Never get on the bad side of a masseuse.
Petr Korda whom I have to respect for dropping the E out of Peter to help stream line it, something I am seriously considering, it’s very important to be efficient in this economy. Anyway this Czech tennis sensation claimed that his nandolone came from his love of veal, apparently he only ate at Vegas dinner shows because it would take 40 veal chops a day for 20 years for that much nandolone to build up, clearly that’s what’s keeping Don Rickles employed.
Dieter Baumann was the subject of what he claimed was toothpaste spiking, clearly too close to the east German secret police tactics he though that would fly as an excuse. And then in an O.J. like moment he offered $100,000 German Marks to find the guy that spiked his toothpaste, the dudes probably either on the golf course or it’s some Porto Rican guy.
And finally we have Dennis Mitchell who was clearly using the DENNIS method scoring four bouts of sprinter sex after crushing not 3, not 4, but 5 whole beers in one night. Must have gotten one of those Heineken Christmas 5 packs. What really put his story in doubt was that this 5 beer sexcapade was not with an Olympic groupie but with his wife, sure dude, sure.
While trying to decide what to write about on what has obviously been a very slow day in sports, which is kinda good since I’ve been really busy with work (I do have a post on the Bengal’s new wide receiving corps and their VH1 block that I can’t decide if I should post here or on AIF) I decided to simply search sports in google images and see what it came up with. Both of these pictures were on the first page of images.
One is obviously from about 1907 when there were 3 sports, golf, hockey and basketballs in 3 states of inflation and when you tried to get your equipment a gay French sailor with a bullhorn would yell at you. The second comes from England where obviously sport means something that you do with a helmet on. Which is odd since they are so into soccer which is not played with a helmet, although stretchers are very important and not football, the most helmeted sport of all.
Now that I’m three paragraphs in to this I realize that this is neither funny nor going anywhere, like most dates I go on. Sorry about wasting your time on this one, it’s a lot like those last couple Connery Bond movies, we’ll be back tomorrow with something a lot better, maybe some Malaysian Viper Porn or a break down of the ‘86 Mets, who knows.
Last week it was reported that former Sun Amare Stoudemire had gone to Isreal to discover his Jewish roots and get a really small Star of David tat, I guess just in case he changes his mind at some point you wouldn’t want it too large. When questioned about why he thought he was Jewish he responded with “through history, we all are.” This cryptic quote is either some philosophical statement about Jewish Historical Determinism or he is confused and thinks Jewish and Human are synonymous. Of course the cynical people among us might notice that while he was in Phoenix there was no mention or interest in joining the tribe, but upon moving to New York to play for the Nicks he decided to explore being the man version of Whoopi Goldberg.
Personally I think this is a great move, not just because he is going to New York, but because of the general make up of the NBA audience. Often referred to as “Urban” it has long been known that the NBA fan is mush more representative of both Black and Jewish fans than the general population of the US. There has also been a rather serious racial undertone in the NBA of a Jewish management structure with a Black workforce, due to the same over sampling of Jewish owners, managers and of course David Stern and the large number of specifically African American players. This is Amare’s chance to bridge this gap and bring these sides together.
Not of course to be outdone, LeBron has decided to make his move towards the Chosen People this week as well. LeBron as we have seen in the last month is extremely calculating in his PR, even if his calculations are often severely wrong headed, like 2+2=5 kind of wrong headed. Since moving to Miami, essentially the old New York with more Cubans he has also picked up a Jewish angle.
Like most celebrities aka. Madonna he couldn’t just go talk to any Rabbi, he had to go get a celebrity Rabbi, the religious version of a celebrity only club or spa service. Now to me since Miami already loves him, this could not be a way to get the older Miami retirement population to like him and since LeBron has shown his love of sticking it to people I can only think this is a dig. First another shot at New York, showing that he’s brining his Jewish connection down to South Beach, something very different than Bringing Your Talents to South Beach. And also an attack at Amare who is now right up the coast in his same division.
Frankly I can’t wait to see the Yarmulkes fly as these two meet up this winter for the no-pork battle to rule east coast basketball Jewish supremacy. If you ask me they should get Moses Malone to call all their games, not because he’s Jewish, but just because his name is Moses and it seems fitting, plus he can’t talk at all so it will be hilarious.
Sorry for the lack of posts this weekend, I was upgrading the computer and couldn’t due much until I finished it. But we do have a couple of announcements, first Mitch has finally joined the staff, even if he hasn’t written anything, so that makes us predominantly Mexican and Japanese, like Sushi with a side of rice and beans. How’s that for diversity in on a blog that’s mostly just about being racist and saying dirty words.
Secondly, and in some ways even more importantly is that we have recorded our first podcast, for now I think I’ll call it the Bench Cast, but a new name may come up later that doesn’t suck. You can get it over at http://dnpcd.podbean.com/ which I think should have an RSS feed if you want to subscribe and I’m going to try to figure out how to get it on I-Tunes. We should be doing these once a week, hopefully with the guys from that banner pic.
This week in was just me and my friend Francesca from That's What She Sent a very NSFW blog that pretty much just posts pictures of naked chicks sent on her friends’ cell phones. It’s pretty much the most awesome thing ever and you should check it out, just not at the office.
We should be back on schedule with posts this week, hopefully a couple of our other writers will step it up and of course we’ll be on the clock for Brett Favre’s retirement decision, or not, it’s really up to Uj since he loves those purple sex fiends up in Minnesota.
Queef out!
This is an article dedicated to the few athletes that had enough athletic ability and talent to overcome the loose screws in their head! I know their are plenty of athletes that could make the list, but I am gonna try to narrow it down to the nuttiest of nuts, for each respected sport, and please feel free to include your own in the comment section below if you disagree or agree with my choices! LETS GET IT ON!(oh and BTW I have decided to write this new article while listening to a mixture of system of a down and deftones, seemed fitting!)
NBA: DENNIS RODMAN
Arguably one of the best rebounders of all time, this dude definitely didn't let his rebounding do the talking on or off the court(actually he had some of the best rebound chicks in the game, but that calls for a different article!). In fact, he was the most interesting man in the NBA for most of the 90's! You never knew what his hair color was going to be, what "B" list celebrity girlfriend was going to be in the stands, even the camera men weren't safe (i.e. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l-NDZGtU7So)! Look, this all could have been an act, a way to get attention, or maybe this dude is really nuts! I am thinking the latter! Whatever the case was, it worked in his favor! Just think if you had to guard a guy like that, or had to battle him for a rebound, I wouldn't do it, I would just give him the free pass to the bucket. The man was a walking STD!!! Maybe that's why he was such a great rebounder, no one wanted to get in his way in fear of getting infected! All jokes aside you can't argue with his numbers...Over 911 games Dennis the menace pulled in 11,954 rebounds, which is an amazing 13.1 rebounds a game! He has rebounded a career high 34 rebounds in one game, that's cleaning more glass than a bottle of Windex(damn, that was a bad joke! sorry!). Oh and besides rebounding, he won 5 NBA rings, you can probably find at least two of them for sale at the Pawn Stars shop!
NFL: ORENTHAL JAMES SIMPSON
Okay, I feel bad putting that mug shot up, dude looks really, really sad! I would be too if I was in his situation! I am not going into detail about the murders we all know what happened and although he was found not guilty, the Las Vegas Jury selection in 2008 was not going to let him get off the hook a second time. Damn Hollywood and their judicial system when it comes to celebrities(i.e Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, Lohan again, oh and Lohan again)! Long story short "the Juice" was charged with numerous felonies including armed robbery and kidnapping and is now currently serving in Lovelock, NV for at least nine years! He was a two time All-American at USC, he led the nation in rushing both those years. The Juice ran in the sprint relay in Provo, UT in 1967 where his relay team held the world record after that race! He was inducted into the NFL Hall of Fame in 1985, the first year he was eligible! He did many T.V. endorsements, football analysis, and appeared in movies, anyone remember the Naked Gun trilogy??? The black dude in the wheel chair that fell off the upper deck at the Dodger game in that movie...yup that was the Juice! Hey Juice, one piece of advice from the writers here at DNP-CD....Don't drop the soap!!! Good Luck!
PGA:Tiger Woods/John Daly (Ladies....he is pointing at you!!!!)
Okay, So the only sport we have two off the wall athletes to showcase is the gentleman's game, golf. We will focus on Tiger first, his antics OFF the course is which makes him top the golfer screw up list! We all know what happened with Tiger and his many, many, MANY skanks! But the amazing thing is if you could name one athlete that you thought was squeaky clean as far as personal life, professional career, etc. Tiger would be at the top of the list! That's why he made my list, it was the biggest surprise ever! Then when all the sleazy texts/sexts and the list of girls he was with comprised of women from all different backgrounds including porn stars, strippers, club promoters and, of course, a waitress form Perkins, the public couldn't get enough! That still puts a smile on my face, the most paid athlete in all of professional sports ever is hitting on a middle age single parent who happens to work at the Perkins restaurant within a couple miles of his home in Florida. Its okay, if I was coming home to a Swedish blonde bombshell bikini model, I might get sick of her too and just want a nice average woman to bring me some fried chicken, or maybe some steak, or even better some chicken fried steak! Whatever the case is you gotta give some credit to the waitress, great pull, ma'am, great pull! C'mon T-Woods, you're better than that!
2nd stop on the golf crazies... DALY GONE WILD...hitting a DVD store near you!!!!
"Long" John Daly is known for crushing it off the tee, he is also known for crushing natty lights and high lifes in between holes, and also for sucking down cancer sticks as much as Kirstie Alley sucks down chocolate cake! There has never been a golfer on tour to ever do what Daly has done throughout his career, I am pretty sure Adam Sandler based his character, Happy Gilmore, on Long John! I remember watching a tournament a couple years ago on the golf channel, and no joke, Daly had two sponsors on his golf shirt. On the left side there was the Dunkin Donuts logo, and then off to the right shoulder was a Hooters logo! Soooo good! John used to pull his trailer up to the nearest hooters in whatever tournament he was in and throw parties with the Hooter girls and the men that were there "for the delicious wings"! Awesome! Daly, although a partier at heart, has one some pretty prestigious PGA tournaments including the Brittish Open back in 1995. He won the PGA Championship in 1991, and made an appearance in Utah in 1987 winning the Ben Hogan Classic! He was also named PGA rookie of the year and has the U.S. Open trophy hiding somewhere in his trailer, probably under all those Hooters take out boxes, and doughnut holes under his bed! The difference between Tiger and Daly is that Jon was only hurting himself by pounding all that beer, and smoking all those cigs. Tiger hurt his colleagues and family and the PGA! Bad Tiger, Bad!
BOXING: MIKE TYSON
I am kinda excited to write about this guy! I mean look at the picture above, don't you just hear that old school NES(Nintendo Entertainment System, try to keep up NEWBS) noise every time Tyson threw that power punch that would leave "lil Mac" out cold?! What an awesome game! We think of Iron Mike as if he is some freak, some crazy dude that has lost more money then most of us will see in a lifetime. But lets skip back like 20 years before the face tat, before the domestic abuse on his wife, before the biting off of Holyfields ear, before the movie the Hangover. There has never been anyone in sports more explosive than "Kid Dynamite". He won his first 19 bouts by knockout and 11 of those knockouts came in the first round...don't blink! Think about that, there was no PPV channels(Pay Per View, c'mon NEWBS!), there were no DVR's if you wanted to watch arguably the greatest heavyweight of all time and you were as little as 5 minutes late to your HBO fight night party, there was a pretty good chance you might have missed the fight all together! Too bad professional boxing has taken a back seat to all the hillbilly, trailer trash, dumb as rock fans that have put MMA up in the drivers seat. I guarantee even at Iron Mikes age and fitness ability right now, he would whoop the shit out of any of those wannabe athletes called MMA fighters! Try to stay classy MMA fan a.k.a. douchebags!!!! That was a lil harsh, but true, none the less!
FOOTBALL/BASEBALL: sorry but there are way too many F*&% ups to write about! haha But I will leave you with two great videos one from each sport! ENJOY!
Much like Kenny Powers I was slow to get posting today due to banging your sister on the Great Wall
Last night I was over at Uji’s house, also known as 1994 due to it’s conspicuous lack of the internet, probably the main reason that he never posts shit anymore and for some reason he gets ESPN the magazine. Well, I picked it up, probably because I was high and there in the front cover is a Kenny Powers K-Swiss add. I read the add, doesn’t sound anything like Kenny Powers, completely edited and the toss it down in disgust thinking it’s another ESPN cross promotional bullshit, until of course I see this video on Funny or Die.
This is what advertising should be, and what it is in Europe and Japan on occasion. This is the show, in all its genius and glory made into a commercial, this is Kenny Powers. And it’s perfect for K-Swiss, since no real athlete would ever where them, why not get a pretend athlete to endorse them.
I’ve thought a lot about the future of television, what are stations going to do when literally no one watches commercials because everyone has a DVR? Soccer has had this situation forever due to the running clock, so what do they do, they cover everything and everyone with adds of course. So here we have the perfect combo, there is no reason that this scene couldn’t have fit perfectly into an episode of Eastbound and Down, this could be the new advertising. Since this is my sports blog, I don’t really want to get into advertising very much, but I love this creative product placement, not that ham-fisted “I’m eating my delicious Subway breakfast shit” that they do on Chuck. I also like that the Great Wall of China and a cemetery carry the same level of import when discussing awesome places to fuck hot chicks, thanks K-Powers!
I don’t usually write over the weekend because I’m so tuckered out from giving your mom just what she needs, but this is a special day so get on the special bus and head to awesome town with me.
First, we want welcome Ale to the end of the bench, he’s first post is the Adam Morrison towel waving goodness that we expect from the bench players of DNP-CD, make sure to check it out, it should be right below this one or go to http://dnp-cd.blogspot.com/2010/08/winning-and-losing.html
Also, Mitch keeps saying he’s going to have something up this weekend, although I see no evidence of it so far, but we an only hope. I think once he starts writing we will get a government diversity grant for being like 60% Hispanic, 35% Asian and lots of people think I’m Jewish so we’ll go 25% on that front.
But that’s not what we’re here for, we’re here to hype the newest sports podcast to hit the web. Sklarbro Country by the Sklar brothers. If any of you remember Cheap Seats from when ESPN Classics was a good station or listen to Rome now and again you will definitely know Randy and Jason. And the podcast is just what you would expect, the perfect combo of their radio stylings from Rome mixed with their standup and of course Indie rock.
Check it out if just for the great Jerry Jones impression and A’Mare Jewish coming out of the pantry talk. A solid first offering that I personally hope stays great and is definitely going to being adding it to my podcast schedule.
